Friday 20 June 2014

Facing Your Fears...

So the weekend is here and yet another week passes me by!! This week has been a better week for me I'm glad to say, minus the headache I had last night, but overall a much better week compared to last! I wanted to post today about facing up to your fears. This includes both your fears with Anxiety and Depression. I faced up to a major fear of mine today and surprised myself, hence the topic!

One of my major fears is the dentist as it is with many other people. Now, just to give you an idea of how scared I am of the dentist, I haven't been in 5 years (maybe more.) I know what you are all thinking, god my teeth must be and absolute mess, but surprisingly they are in quite good condition, minus the reason I had to go today. The thought of the anaesthetic, the prodding around my mouth and the smell of the clinical rooms.. Everything about the dentist petrifies me, to the point I become a quivering mess. 

I have had toothache for the past 5 days or so, which I thought was due to my last wisdom tooth pushing through, unfortunately not. I had a filling the last time I was at the dentist, all those years ago, and the tooth that has the filling has cracked so I had to bite the bullet and book an appointment. After speaking with my therapist about this on Tuesday, she said the longer I wait, the worse it will become. After spending a day worrying about my tooth, the dentist and whether I could get away with not going, I got a friend to book me an emergency appointment. 

As you can imagine, with my anxiety/depression this was a big step, especially with heightened anxiety at the moment, the dentist was the last thing I needed to add on to my ever growing list of woes. So the appointment was booked and for the past 2 days its all I could think about. What was going to happen? Are they going to have to pull all my teeth? What if my wisdom teeth were dodgy and needed sorting? The list of questions were endless. I got an early night last night because I had a migraine (which I think was due to stressing.)

So today came, I got up and just went. I knew it was something I HAD to do, and backing out would only make the problem worse. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely shitting myself. I was sweaty, drip white and had extremely bad dry mouth. When I got there I was shaking, terrified and even told the receptionist how bad I was feeling, she obviously said "You'll be fine!"

When I got into the dentist chair, looking around the room at all the equipment, the bright lights, the needles, the tools, everything was staring right at me. The sweating increased and I told the dentist how scared I was. She put me right at ease, had a little look round my mouth and said okay, were done. WHAT???!!!! She told me that I needed antibiotics before the treatment and that I had a couple of options. I chose the option of just getting the tooth pulled. So I have to go back again in two weeks time, but I have hope in myself now, I prepared myself for the worst today and I actually felt I done okay.

So that brings me to the topic of the post. This whole anxiety/depression thing I've got going on. Yes, my anxiety is terrible, but facing my fear today has given me hope for beating my mental illnesses. I feel that taking this step today proves to me that I can do things when I put my mind to them, and keep the anxiety down low. I know my quite a few of my readers suffer with anxiety, so I want to give you this message. You will beat this!! Fear is all in the mind and its what you make it. Challenge yourself from now on. Scared of going outside?? Take a few steps in your garden. Then slowly push yourself to take a few more outside and keep going!! You are better than your anxiety.

Scared of spiders?? Start by looking at pictures and build up a tolerance. Then take it step by step to eventually letting one stay in the corner of the room. Have health anxiety? Worried about illness? Go to the doctors, put your mind at ease. You will feel better for it. I feel optimistic for everyone who I've spoken to since writing this blog. I know that times will be tough, heck there will even be days when you want to give up completely and let your depression/anxiety take over. That's okay!! Remember though that you are better than anything that pulls you down, your mind is a wonderful thing and just allowing yourself to have a couple of positive days will do you the world of difference. 

I for one from here on in am going to look at things in a different light. As I have said, I have a new found hope that I can beat my mental illnesses. I know today was only a baby step, but it's a step in the right direction none the less. I mean, I haven't been to the dentist in 5 years or so and today, even with all my mental health issues, I done it. I goes to show that there is still hope there. I want to share my positivity with all of you. I'll say it again, YOU CAN BEAT IT!!!

A.R. Wilson x       

Wednesday 18 June 2014

Does That Make Me Crazy..?

Hi Everyone!! It's been a little while since I've wrote on here, those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook and G+ know that I've not been feeling too good the past week or so, that's why I haven't written. I've decided that I'm going to change the structure of the blog a little, updating every two days rather than everyday. I will still be doing the same topics, just on alternate days :) 

Today I wanted to talk about my anxiety a little more, and how the past week has been very, very hard for me. Now if you have read my previous posts you will know that I currently suffer with three different forms of anxiety, PTSD, Social and Panic Disorder, but this week has been a whole different ball game for me, so here goes!

I started to get really bad headaches about a week ago, a slow shooting pain in the temple which was followed by a really dull, cloudy pain in my forehead. No matter what I took it wouldn't shift. I became moody, snappy and my temper was snapping at every little thing. I've suffered migraines before but these were like no other headaches I had ever had. They made me sleepy, my body ache and I didn't want to do anything, and I mean anything. 

Usually when I have a headache I would just brush it off but not this time. My anxiety took over the situation and I had convinced myself I had a brain tumour. I sat and researched the symptoms, looked into peoples stories and even posted on forums about it. I was convinced. Every night when I went to bed my thoughts would be racing, I'm dying, my times up and that's it for me. I was having panic attack after panic attack, I was out of control. 

During my CBT I have learned techniques on how to deal with panic (I've even posted on here about coping with it) but I couldn't focus my mind to come back to reality. The panic attacks were frequent, I was exhausted, convinced I was dying and feeling stupid because of the thoughts. I plucked up the courage to go to the Doctors, preparing myself for some life changing news. I was thinking that because my mum died of a brain tumour, I was next in line. 

I explained everything to the doctor, how I was feeling, my thoughts and the panic that I couldn't control. After doing some tests, he told me that I wasn't suffering from a tumour and that it was actually tension headaches, a very common thing for those suffering with depression/anxiety. He gave me some new medication, Amitriptyline. So off I popped. 

No matter what medication I take, I always Google it to see what I am taking. I found out that Amitriptyline is another anti-depressant, but is used for tension headaches. So then I got a little frantic looking into combinations of anti-depressants and how they affect you etc.. I then started to panic again, am I taking too much medication? What if I have a bad reaction?  Along came another wave of panic attacks. I just can't escape them.

Following looking at medicine combinations, I had now convinced myself that I was going to get Serotonin Sydrome (SS), a condition that develops when combining two medications that produce serotonin, but you produce too much, causing it to become toxic to the brain, which if it is severe, can kill you. Alongside this new medication I also had toothache (wisdom teeth) and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen. So I started to believe that if I take these medications together I would develop SS and that would be the end of me again, just like with the brain tumour.

Every night, as I got into bed, the same thing happened as it did with the brain tumour scenario, panic attack after panic attack, uncontrollable thoughts and a long sleepless night. My body was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I told myself that I can't go on like this, I need to try and get some control back. That brings me to yesterday. I had another Doctors appointment as well as a therapy session. Both my doctor and therapist have brought me back down to earth, just what I needed. I had a good nights sleep last night and feel better already.

I wanted to write this post to let others know that when suffering with anxiety, your body will be going into panic mode more often than not. My therapist told me that when suffering with anxiety you will get more aches and pains, they will stand out more than ever before and that it is perfectly normal to get the feelings of panic, with anything health related. She did also mention that if you are looking for something that's up with you, the chances are you will find something, cling to it and then make it worse in your head. I know I am guilty of that. So if you are feeling concious about anything health related, speak to your Doctor, get some clarification and put your mind at ease as quickly as possible, I waited a few days too long.

 Throughout all the episodes of the past week, I keep questioning my sanity, hence the title of the post. Does That Make Me Crazy? Well, in short the answer is NO! I'm now developing a new anxiety symptom, health anxiety, which I will be working on with my CB Therapist. Even though the past week or so have been very draining, I'm still here, I'm still healthy and have a lot to look forward to. I know there are going to be bumps in the road along the way, I know that I'm not going to feel 100% everyday and I most certainly know that I will control these thoughts eventually. Until then, life is still a panic!!

Wednesday 11 June 2014

Understanding What Type of Anxiety you Have...

So I have not been feeling too well the past couple of days and missed out on writing this post yesterday as I was too ill. I've been having bad headaches for the past week or so, but yesterday was pretty bad. Having that day off made me think of my anxiety and what type I fall into! My anxiety has convinced me that I have a Brain Tumour (ridiculous I know, but it is all I can think about) so I wanted to do a post on different anxiety types and how they effect you.

Anxiety is a complicated feeling. Some people are absolutely crippled by it and don't leave the house, some can get on with everyday things and others mange to cope living with it but it still effects everyday life. Before suffering with anxiety myself, I just assumed that you were anxious and that was that, I never knew of all the different types, causes, symptoms and outcomes of having anxiety. So here is a run down of the main types of anxiety, you may suffer from just one or you might suffer them all, at least if you know what anxiety you have, you will be able to fight it - 

Panic Disorder - Panic Disorder is where you have regular panic attacks that can hit you at any time. These are often recurring and worsen with the severity of your condition. You may have just a couple of panic attacks a month or have several on a weekly basis. Everyone suffers a little anxiety from time to time, but with panic disorder the feelings of anxiety, stress and panic combine to cause you to enter panic mode regularly. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - OCD gets a lot of press. From TV shows that look into the lives of people suffering to daily news articles about the condition. It is very well known. For those of you that don't know, OCD is a condition that combines obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. The obsessive side is having unpleasant/unwanted thoughts that cause you anxiety and the compulsive side, is the repetitive behaviour to try and combat those obsessive thoughts. OCD, as with other anxieties, ranges from mild (spending an hour a day having obsessive compulsive thoughts) to severe (the condition taking over your life)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is caused by a particular event that has happened that you found frightening, very stressful or distressful. There are any causes to developing a PTSD and it can take weeks, months or even years after the event occurred for you to develop the symptoms. People suffering from PTSD often have flashbacks or relive the memories of the event in their minds. The symptoms of PTSD are severe and often take over your daily living, as the feelings of guilt, isolation and irritability take over. Suffering from this disorder often makes you emotionally numb. 

Social Anxiety Disorder - Social Anxiety is one of the most common anxiety disorders. It is the consistent fear of social situations or being around people. Social anxiety takes over your daily life and effects everyday tasks such as shopping, talking on the phone and socialising with friends. It often disrupts your quality of life and if a child suffers from it, it can effect their school life and learning. There are a wide variety of symptoms someone suffering social anxiety will suffer including the fear of being judge, ridiculed, embarrassing themselves and dreading everyday activities. People suffering from SAD will often just avoid the situations completely, which in some cases develops into agoraphobia, causing sufferers to rarely leave the house, if at all!

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) -GAD, covers a wide range of worries, situations and issues rather than a specific event. People who suffer from GAD tend to suffer over a long period of time, rather than having anxiety that comes and goes. Suffers are anxious constantly and rarely can remember the last time they felt relaxed or in control. There are a wide range of symptoms that come with GAD and these are both physical and mental. Each persons symptoms are different and vary from insomnia, feeling restless constantly and having trouble concentrating. There is not one particular cause of GAD but suffers often have a mixture of factors that play a role. 

Personally, after working with my therapist, she thinks that I suffer from several of these types of anxiety. Social, PTSD and Panic. We are working together on each individual type, to try and combat what I feel on a day to day basis. Most of these disorders are treated with CBT and in some cases, medication is used too. I would advise that if you think you suffer from any of these to speak with your Doctor and seek the best method of help for you. 

Understanding what type of anxiety you suffer is pivotal in fighting to get better and without an understanding of what is going on, it is hard to move forward. Do some research, check with other sufferers and try and push yourself into uncomfortable situations, to show yourself that it is just anxiety and you are not in danger. I know that it's easier said than done, believe me, I understand!!

Remember, without addressing your issue, you won't release yourself from the grip of suffering anxiety! You can do this!!

A.R Wilson x 


 

Monday 9 June 2014

Help Is At Hand...


Hi Guys! I can't quite believe that I have had over 1000 views on the blog in just over a week, I didn't even expect to get 20 views!! I feel very humbled and want to thank everyone for their kind words, comments and for sharing your stories with me too.

Today in this Depression post, I want to write about the different avenues of help that are out there. When in your time of need, it can be quite confusing about where you need to turn to. Your mind is already clogged with thoughts that have driven you into depression, so the main thing you do is just try to get by, but there is help out there and when you get the the point where you feel you need it, take it and embrace it.

Below I have wrote where I have found help and a quick description of what I have found. What may work for me may not work for you, so try to have an open mind when approaching for help, and if you find that one doesn't work, move onto the next. Whatever way you need help, there will be an option for you, so don't fret if it takes a while to find the right avenue for you, it will take time!!


Online Groups - I wanted to put this first in the post as over the past few weeks I have seen first hand the support that is there for you. By simply typing Depression into social media platforms, you will find an array of groups that cater for your needs. Have a little look around each group before deciding which one to join, look at the posts the page has posted, the opinions others have shared and  how many people are in the group (You may want a small group with a few people in it or a group with thousands of comments, likes and shares, it's your preference.) You will find the people who have liked the group like to share their stories, experiences and inspirations. You can take a lot of comfort from other posts, seeing that you are not alone in what you are going through and even have someone share the exact same story as you. You can either be a background reader, just follow the posts, maybe comment on a few stories or even just sit back and take in all the shared experiences. Or, maybe you want to dive straight in, get your story out there and let people comment their thoughts and feelings back. I found diving straight in has helped me thoroughly, just having a few consoling words whenever I'm down really has helped me though some days. Each to their own is the case here, so if you do choose to look online, take your time and pick the right one for you .

Family/Friends - This one seems very obvious but can often be the one that your rule out. Now, maybe you rule it out due to embarrassment, maybe because you don't want them to know your deep, deep issues or maybe you just prefer other forms of help, whatever your choice, at least let one person close to you know, just for safety purposes. I personally ruled this one out at first, I was too ashamed to tell anyone close to me, I have always been the strong one and I didn't want to show any weakness. I can count the people that know about my depression one of my hands (minus my readers.)  When I first told people about my depression, they met me with a lot of understanding, a lot of compassion and generally a lot of help, which made me feel silly for bottling it up for so long. They are there for me to help me through my everyday battles. I turn to them when I'm feeling low and want to get everything off my chest. All your friends and family want you to be as well as you can be, although it is a long battle to combat, they want to pick you up when you are down, give you a ride to your appointment and give you the courage to take steps to get help. Even if you only tell one person close to you, make sure you do as a problem shared is a problem halved.

 Doctor/GP- This one I feel is very important. Although the two above are good for those general day to day struggles, your Dr or GP are medical professionals and you are suffering a medical illness!! I went almost 4 months before consulting my GP and have regretted not going sooner. Taking that first step through the door and admitting you might be mentally ill is one hell of a battle on its own, but you are never going to get better if you don't seek medical help. Your Dr/GP is there for you whatever your ailment, and will be there to support you in combating your depression. Whether you go for medicine to ward off the blues or just going for some information on the options available to you, they will have dealt with cases like yours almost on a daily basis and will give you the right treatment catered to you. Depending on how severe your case of depression is will depend on the route you take. You will be put in touch will Mental Health Organisations, you will be given numbers for charities/groups that can help when in your darkest hour or you can just deal with your Dr direct. Whatever option they give you, you can be sure that your medical records are fully updated with your depression status, just so that if anything does go wrong (touch wood it doesn't) they know exactly what you are going through.

Mental Health Charities/Groups/Organisations - In my local area, we have a crisis team that you can call whenever you are having an extremely bad day. I was given the number by my GP. I have not yet used the number, but I have found out all the relevant information that I need to know, so that if I do call, I know they can help. So say I was having a very low day where I wanted to commit suicide, although it may not be my first thought, I can call the crisis team and speak to them about what I am feeling, what I am going through and what help I need. They are trained professionals who deal with these calls daily, so they will know what to talk to you about and give you that nudge to help you in the right direction. Also my GP referred me to our local mental health group. With them, I went for two initial appointments to talk about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and my back story. They, as with my GP, gave me all the relevant information to help me get through but what was different is they assessed me throughout my appointments to see what type of professional help I needed, this is how I started my CBT. I will also be following up my CBT with some Anger Management, Grief Counselling and will be meeting with a support worker weekly, so that I'm not alone after my initial therapy is complete. Lastly, but no means least, Charities! Without some charities, medical advances in combating depression wouldn't have moved forward as fast. Depression Charities vary from country to country but, here in the UK, we have many various charities that can aid you in whatever way you need. They have all the tools and resources to help you along the way. They offer support both online and via the telephone, they offer support workers/groups that you can go see and their websites are like online encyclopedias to help you discover your issues in depth. I have found Samaritans to be very helpful, just having that understanding voice at the end of a phone ease your though a dark time is very comforting. Everything you do say is confidential too, so your not going to be passed from pillar to post!!

Other Help - I've touched upon the help that I have used in more detail but there are lots of various corners you can turn to during your battle that I haven't used, that others have recommended me to. So here is a quick list of other sources you can utilise -

Books - Find comfort in reading up on your condition, read victory stories of those 
who have battled depression and learn of techniques to fight off your demons.

Self Help Guides - Many authors have published guides/articles about the positives of self help in battling depression. Maybe rent one from your library or have a gander at an 
online self help article.

Changes to Your Life - I have read a lot online that small changes to the way you live can combat your illness.Taking a more healthy approach
 to your diet, regular exercise and undertaking relaxation training can all help. 

E-Therapies - These can be used if you don't want to speak face to face with anyone. Some say that these online therapies are just as effective as working with a CB Therapist. These online therapies help you to understand how your mind is working and show you steps of
 how to make behavioural changes.


The whole point of this posting was to show you that even at times when you are alone, there is a wide variety of resources and help available to you, no matter how little/severe depression has effected you, how social/shy you are or how badly you need the help. It just takes that one step to admit you need the help before these doors open for you. To anyone who has read this and has not sought help, please do so, you won't regret it! And to those who have sought the help and are moving forward, congrats!! We can do this together.

AR Wilson x

Monday Quote!!

This weeks quote comes from a post on Pintrest - 


Sunday 8 June 2014

Boxing Others Off...

I recently watched a Ted Talk about the way society defines people and puts us into boxes based on our personality and the way we live our lives. Now, if you haven't watched a Ted Talk before, it's where people in their certain fields give a talk on something that is important to them. I wanted to write about this, especially in the Gay Culture section of the blog, because as soon as you identify yourself as LGBTQ, you are automatically put into a box by society and other gay people.

Humans almost instantly when meeting you categorise your personality and tick off certain boxes in their mind to where you belong. Through no fault of our own, we instantly judge and stick labels to the defined boxes 'fat' skinny' 'tall' 'slut' 'whore' along with pre-conceived notions passed over from our parents, family and the media. All of which you will find hard to change. 

Coming out as gay you already become a minority in the world, through no fault of your own, and you are put into a box. Religion boxes you off into a life of sin. Some straight people (not all) box you into Gay (insert name) or Lesbian (insert name.) If you are trans, you are put into the tranny box. Again, through no fault of your own. As humans, we are all born the same, we have the same two eyes, 4 limbs, a body, our insides and a brain. So why is it that as soon as your personality and life develops, you are categorised?

 Some people like to be defined as a person. There are even sub categories for gay men types, so you are not just a gay man. You can be a scally, a bear, a camp, a she-male, a drag queen, a cub and a twink. I'm sure there are more but you get the gist. So the boxing off continues, being gay and then being boxed into another sub category depending on how you look and act.

Surely as a gay community we shouldn't box each other off?? I mean, as we are already placed in a box from society, we shouldn't be judging each other for how we look and act! I get that humans always are judging character but, after being judged and boxed off, shouldn't the community open their arms and say we accept you for just being you, end of.

The gay community should be somewhere where you are allowed to flourish and be yourself no matter what age, weight, height, sex, personality or look you have. Instead, we judge, and allow ourselves to define each other even further, leading you into a further minority than the one you are already placed in. I understand that each individual has their sexual type, but friend wise shouldn't we be embracing each other?? Especially when some of the world still despises the way we live our lives!! So what if that man over in the corner has nail polish and eyeliner on? Does that make them too camp? So what if the girl over their has short hair? Does that make her a bull dyke? No it doesn't. It's who they are.

The gay scene is supposed to be a safe haven for gay people to be themselves without fear of being judged, attacked and looked down upon and in some sense it is. But when you walk into a club or bar, and see people looking at how you have dressed, what make-up you have on or the type of body you have, you can't help but feel judged, sometimes attacked and glared at. Society does it anyway, so why should a gay community do so to.

I know that this goes on, not just in Gay Culture, but in general life. If the world didn't box people off and allowed everyone to be who they wanted to be, then surely it would be a far better place to live. The media have a big part to play in this, they constantly box people off. Take for example all the press the Muslim religion is getting. Articles upon articles of hate filled speech, scaremongering and boxing off a religion because of the actions of a select few people. Now, quite a lot of people associate Muslims with terrorism, and it is all down to the media. Not all Muslims are terrorists, it is a MINORITY that have carried out the horrible acts and yet, we define the whole religion as one large terrorist organisation.
 
I wanted to write this in the hope of maybe broadening your horizons. Think before boxing people off because one day, you may have an accident that puts you into a category. One day, you might have a gay family member that will be put into a category. One day, you may have a friend who converts to a certain religion. So, just because society boxes people off, don't allow your mind to be boxed off too!

A.R Wilson x




Friday 6 June 2014

Medictating My Problems...

Hi All, 

I hope you have all had a good week!! Today is the day I give you a wee update on how I'm doing. Today I want to talk about the medication I am on and how it has effected me throughout the time I've been diagnosed with anxiety. 

Firstly, I want to let you all know that for the first time in months, I have had a reasonably good week. I haven't done much with regards to putting myself in situations where I feel anxious, but my anxiety has been at the lowest level I have felt in ages!! I still am having those daily niggles and woes but I have managed to keep them under control, which I feel is a big step in the right direction, but who knows what next week will throw at me.

As I said above I want to speak about the medication I have been taking to combat the anxiety. This time around I would like anyone who reads this to get in touch and let me know what methods or medication you use to combat your anxiety. So please do get in touch, either by commenting or emailing (my email is on the about me section at the side of the blog)

When I first went to the doctors to speak about what I was feeling, after months of turmoil, I instantly felt a release. It was like taking the top off a bottle of coke that had been shaken and it goes everywhere. I felt every possible feeling in the space of 5 minutes. After speaking with my doctor, I stated that I don't want a happy pill that I take everyday, I want to feel happy in my mind and in myself, and didn't want a pill to do so. So my doctor prescribed me medication solely to combat the anxiety, and also my lack of sleep. Mirtazipine was what they gave me. 

When I first started taking the Mirtazipine, I obviously started on the lower dosage (15mg.) For those of you who haven't had Mirtazipine, here is a description from Web MD -

"Mirtazapine is used to treat major episodes of depression.
It is an antidepressant. It belongs in the class of antidepressants known as noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressants (NaSSA).
It is used to increase the levels of certain chemicals in the brain that are found at low levels if you have depression.
In general this drug is used in the treatment of major depression. This is a mood disorder, a condition in which you may feel low, have low self-esteem, and have lost the ability to enjoy activities you usually enjoy.
Benefits of being on this drug can include improving your mood and lower levels of anxiety"
To start, the drug completely knocked me out. I had to take it before bed to help send me into sleep and found the first few nights I took it I was having 12 hours sleep. I couldn't get out of bed the next few days because of the drowsiness and felt like a walking, talking zombie. It was recommended that the drug would take 2 weeks to kick in and start to work. After the first few weeks of using this med, it had no effect. I was back to very little sleep, still as anxious as ever and taking it felt like a waste of time. 

After a month, I went back to the doctor, she upped me to the next level 30mg. Again, as with the 15mg, the first few days were great, lots of sleep and after a week I felt like I could function. The dwindled again after 2 - 3 weeks of the medication, it wasn't having the desired effect, so another trip to the doctors was on...

Upon my third trip to evaluate the medication, we upped it to the highest dosage you can have in the UK (45mg) I think, from reading online some doctors in the USA have prescribed up to 90mg, but I'm not too sure so correct me if I'm wrong. As with the other two dosages, I had to wait to weeks for the drug to fully kick in.

Each night, I took it before bed, but the sedation effect was no longer there, so I wasn't getting any sleep and I wasn't feeling any better, so I was thinking what a waste of my time it was taking this. After doing some research online, I saw that taking the higher dosages of Mirtazipine no longer aided in sleep and in fact worsened the sleep process, causing me to stay up even longer. To be frank, I wish the doctors would have told me this, I was generally pissed off. We could have looked at other medication etc...
I've now been on the Mirtazapine (45mg) for two months and I still don't feel anything. I've saw online that some people have labelled this drug as the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not too sure. I've had to undertake sleep behaviour management to combat the lack of sleep I'm getting and as for the anxious feelings, they are still prominent. I know I've had a good week this week, however, I still do feel that I can be pulled right back into the reality of my situation at any point.

As I've said above, I want to hear what you do to combat your anxiety? Are you on medication? Have you avoided medication and use your own techniques? Or have you come across something online that has worked wonders? Let me know as I'm sure my readers, and myself, would love to hear!!

A.R Wilson x

What If.....

So, you know when your having a really low day, your mind is working in overdrive and there are unanswered questions, thoughts and feelings floating round your mind? Well this post is going to be about the questions and thoughts that I have to deal with daily. 

Life is full of those moments of what if this happened? Or what if I had done that? These are the main thoughts that go through my head everyday and the thoughts I struggle with the most. When I self harm, it tends to be for two reasons, the first being if I have been nasty, snappy or hurtful to someone then I feel I need to cause myself pain to counter-act the pain I will have caused them. Secondly, when I have had to deal with a subject that is hurtful to me, that has left unanswered questions or leaves me confused, I battle that with self harm too. It's the wrong thing to do, I know that, but it's my coping mechanism at the moment! I've spoken with my doctor and therapist, who have given me the tools to self harm safely. I will talk more about self harm in a later post. 

The unanswered questions that make me feel so low tend to be questions that can never be answered. One being, what would my life be like if my mum was still here? I know that I can never have an answer to that, but just that simple question leads to others like would I have been a drug addict? Would I have had to move away? Would I still have family I speak to? So it's like a chain reaction, and when I get into that chain I can't pull myself out of it.

I often think over the choices I've made in life and whether they are the right ones. Should I have just said no to taking drugs? Could I have stepped up fully in my last job and not crumbled under the pressure? Ultimately, again, those questions can never be answered. My mind can't stop replaying old scenarios which I feel if I had a better understanding or had a parent figure there to give me a nudge in the right direction then I wouldn't have had to go through what I have been through. Sometimes life is unfair, but it's coping with it being unfair I struggle with. 

When I look back at the end of my school years, I look with jealousy at the people who had 'perfect' family lives, who didn't have to deal with the death of their parent, who didn't have to deal with seeing domestic violence for years and who always had a strong support network around. Don't get me wrong, I had some great support around, but it just wasn't my mum and it makes me both sad and angry that I didn't get the same chance as everyone else to have a good go at this thing we call life. 

I suppose in hindsight I made choices for myself. Everyone has those options. I chose to shove copious amounts of drugs up my nose. I chose to take on the job role that led to my breakdown. But there is always that part of me that wishes I could go back, scribble out parts of the past so that I could have set up a better future for myself. A lot of people say that your experiences make you stronger, but you can only be so strong for so long before you eventually give in, right?

I suppose what I'm trying to get at with this post is some clearance on the situation, clearance I may never get. Is it natural to have these thought processes? And to wish to want to rewrite the past? Sometimes, I wish life had a start over button, so that when something goes bad, you press it and you can start that process again. Some questions are probably better left unanswered, that way you can always dream of things that could happen or when you look back, you can put yourself in situations and answer your own what ifs?

A.R Wilson x

Thursday 5 June 2014

They've Got Me Addicted...

This part of the blog I feel will be quite frank, very raw as I'm going to go into a lot of detail about my previous addiction. Those who have been following over the past week will know I'm only 22, so you will be thinking how could you be addicted at that age, simple from the age of 18 - 21 I got off my face nearly everyday for 3 years. I must stress that in no way am I condoning the use of drugs, I just want to highlight my time using.

This is my story...

Getting caught up and working on the gay scene was fun at times, but as mentioned in the first posting in the Gay Culture setting, there is a darker, seedier part to the gay scene, and one of those parts was the drugs. I was a little naive at first, thinking that everyone was just up for a laugh, a good time or just friendly, but once I got sucked into the drug taking, I noticed that more people liked to shove whatever they could up their noses, me included.

I started to take drugs for recreational use around the age of 15/16, having the odd joint or snorting a quick line of coke in the toilets. I remember being at a party when I was 17, taking what I thought was a line of coke which infact, turned out to be ketamine! That's when I started to think drugs were pretty cool. I started pill popping ecstasy when I was out, passing them around friends like candy. It was easy and to be frank, I didn't give a shit!

It was when I fully started working on the scene, I worked 5 nights a week, handing flyers out, promoting on social media and even door whored once, that I got into taking drugs fully. I went to an afterparty one night, I was offered a legal high called mephedrone (meow meow, mcat) it was sold as 'plant fertilizer' it was £10 a bag, and my god the buzz I got off it was like nothing I had ever experienced.

I started to take a bag or two to work with me everytime, just to take the edge off working in the cold, be more chatty with people and obviously, to get that buzz. I mean, £10 a bag for something that would keep you rocking for hours was amazing. After parties became more regular, we would head back, sometimes 4 or 5 of us, sometimes 20+, order a batch and get completely trollied. It would keep me awake for days. It felt like gold dust in a bag and I was the richest man on earth.

Party after party after party went and yet even when the party stopped, I was buying the stuff "just to see me through". I would be sitting playing mario karts during the day, having line after line, just to keep me high as the comedowns were dreadful. I can't even begin to explain how moreish M-cat is, but I remember a time when I had ran out and I was scraping bags, checking the bins and rummaging the couch, just incase I dropped any. When I look back I think how disgusting it was.

My life had been consumed by the drug. I ate once or twice a week, usually on a Wednesday when there was no work and no money left, a jacket potato and beans, every week, just before I went back to sleep after being awake three days. I ate ice pops, sucked hard sweets and lived off chewing gum for the rest of the week. Oh! and also dilute juice, as the dry mouth was pretty bad. So bad, that I hardly brushed my teeth.

I took 1 gram lines for fun. I loved the burn in my nose. The drip at the back of my throat. The rush of going from being normal to completely on a different planet, my head spinning, eyes shaking, sweat pouring. I loved it all. There is, and I've still to find, no better rush that cutting some lines up, sticking a straw up your nose and sniffing till you can't sniff anymore. In that case, you stick it in a fag paper and bomb it.

The drug had gripped me, I wasn't interested in anything else but being able to get my next fix of it. I had ticks off dealers as high as £100, knowing that I'd pay it back and tick some more. My friends were on the drug, my friends friends were on the drug and it seemed like at the time everyone I spoke to or knew was taking it. I just couldn't escape, not that I wanted too.

I went from weighing 15st down to 9.5st in 6 months, I'd always been a little chubby but feeling skinny, having people comment on my weight, I loved it. I was looking gaunt, thin as and bones were protruding out of anywhere they could on my body.

I moved house after being addicted for about 2 years, I moved to a street where 5 of the houses were occupied by my friends, some of them new, who had never taken the drug before. I stopped taking it as regular but none the less, was still taking it far too much. I had sold all my things and my boyfriend had sold all his. We had nothing besides some tattered clothes and some furniture. As people on the street started taking more of the drug, I could see myself becoming hooked again.

I kind of had an epiphany, along with my boyfriend, that if we didn't leave there we would be stuck taking drugs for probably the rest of our lives. The drugs had taken over and the only way to stop was to move away, to a new city and start a fresh. Cut off all ties. So we did. Not without one last party though, eh?


I have now been clean from snortable drugs for 2 years, minus the slip up I had at my bosses house, and clean from weed for 2 - 3 months. I will speak about weed in another post but I wanted to just clarify the Mcat addiction.

I had some of the best times of my life on that drug but, I also had some of the worst. I'll talk about dealing with dealers, scary people and experiences in other posts too!

I am now happy I'm drug free, it just took the willpower to pull myself away from the situation and give myself a stern NO everytime I had a thought of going back there, it's not worth it. I'm back up to 13st now too, so I no longer look like a walking, talking skeleton!

A.R. Wilson x

Wednesday 4 June 2014

Losing My Mum...

I'm going to start the death part of my blog off with the story of how I lost my mum and how it effected me. I'm splitting it in to two parts, this week leading up to my mum passing and my instant reaction, followed by a post next week on how I'm coping years on. This is the part of the blog I'm dreading writing, even though its been 7 years, it still feels very raw and I get emotional talking about this particular subject. I feel though, that this has shaped who I am and is still a big part of my life...So here goes...

I always looked up to my mum, respected her and loved her with all my heart and more. At the age of 15, I started to have the odd vodka with her and my step-dad, spending time with her on a Sunday and getting along fine. I was her port of call when she wanted to go shopping for a new top, dress or accessories. Even though I never got the chance to tell her I was gay, I assume she already knew.

After school one day, I rang my mum at work, as I usually did, and she told me that she didn't feel to good and that she was coming home in the next half an hour. I never thought anything of it, I just thought it was a general illness, nothing to worry about. Half an hour passed. An hour passed. It wasn't until two hours later that my Nan came to the door and asked us to grab some things, we were going to her house. She explained to us in the car that my mum had collapsed at work and was taken to hospital right away. That's when the worry started to creep in...

I remember clear as day, it was half past 7 at night, my step-dad called and he spoke with my Nan, I heard her in the bedroom start to cry. She came through to the living area, sat me and my brother down, told us that my mum had been rushed to theater, and that they had discovered a brain tumor that needed to be removed instantly. They gave my mum a 20% chance of living through the operation.

As you can imagine, I felt like my whole world had fell down on top of me, my heart broke in two and the tears started to roll down my face. I thought I'd never see my mum again. My mum, when we moved from Scotland, had a friend who I've known for as long as I could remember who moved with us in the same area. Straight away I wanted to see her, so my Nan took us.

Whilst there, I broke down fully, cried and cried and cried!! I needed a hug from my mum, not from anyone else, and to tell me that everything was going to be okay! A few hours passed, my step-dad rung again and told us that the operation was a success, that my mum was out of theater but was in a coma.
I got a lift to the hospital, I remember walking in, seeing my mums hair shaved, her laying on a hospital bed, cold, drip white and not herself. She was covered in bandages over her head, linked up to breathing machines and they had given her a tracheotomy, so I could see pipes coming from her throat to help her breathe. This was something that a 15 year old would never want to see, especially not their mum.

I was about to start my GCSE's when all this happened. Even so, I went to the hospital everyday, holding my mums hand, speaking to her, resting my head on her, just general things to make me feel closer to her. We were told that she was making some steady progress, and that things may start looking up.

A week passed, and I remember waking up on the Saturday, I had an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't go to hospital right away. So my brother and step-dad went. I pottered around the house. A few hours later, I rung my Nan to ask for a lift, she said she was already on her way...I knew then that this was it!
We arrived at the hospital, I remember opening up the double doors, and seeing all my mums friends standing there, crying, my step-dad trying to be strong and hold it together. He told me that my mum had an aneurysm and that her brain was being starved of oxygen and that she was going to pass away. I didn't cry, I was shocked, I just wanted my mum.

It never really hit me till the Doctor came into the room, sat the family down and started to explain what was happening, it was then I knew that I was never going to have my mum again, I got up and ran from the room. I held back the tears as I ran through the hospital, heading for the entrance to go get some air. I remember getting there, seeing my mums friends, dropping to my knees and just let out floods upon floods of tears, everyone rushed round to console me. It was harrowing.

After a while, we had to go say our goodbyes, before they turned off the life support machine. I remember sitting on the bed next to my mum, stroking her hand and face, knowing that this was going to be the last time I would ever see her again, that I would never get to tell her how much I loved her, get hugged by her when I was feeling down or low and I would never get to enjoy my life with her in it.

I said goodbye, left, went back in again, left and went back in one last final time, I just couldn't bring myself to let her go. I was distraught, I couldn't comprehend what was happening, it seemed like everything I loved was now gone...

I'm going to stop writing just now, I have tears streaming down my face but I will continue this, probably next week now. As I said, even though years have passed, it is still very raw for me and writing this is hurting me. It is something I need to speak about, so I will continue, just not now!

A.R Wilson x    

Tuesday 3 June 2014

Ten Rules When Coping With Panic...

Before pushing that panic button,  here are ten rules for coping with panic!!

  1. Remember panic feelings are only normal reactions but exaggerated
  2. They are not harmful and nothing worse will happen
  3. Notice what is happening in your body, stay with the present, slow down, relax but keep going
  4. Thinking about what might happen is unhelpful. Only now matters
  5. Accept the anxious feelings. Let them run through you and they will disappear quicker
  6. Monitor your anxiety levels 10 (worst) - 0 (least) and watch them go down.
  7. Stay in the situation. If you avoid it, it will become difficult in the future
  8. Take a few slow deep breaths
  9. Consciously relax your tense muscles. Feel yourself relaxing.
  10. Now concentrate again on what you were doing before the panic set in.

Panic! Panic! Panic!!

So as with the Depression side of the blog, I want to keep Friday for the updates on my anxiety story too! That means Tuesdays will be used to give general info, quotes, stories etc on anxiety. 

Today, I'd like to touch upon understanding Panic Attacks in more detail, I learned most of this from my CB Therapist. 

Firstly, have a look at this chart, my therapist went over this with me when I was having a panic attack after a shopping trip the other day. It's simple, but effective -
I want to go over this in more detail - picture the scenario, I was shopping, alone, warm and sweaty. I felt like people were staring at me, talking about me and knew that something was up with me. I started to panic, felt a panic attack coming on and wanted to get out!! Lets delve a little deeper into my - 

THOUGHTS
  • Everyone watching/staring
  • I must smell
  • People will think I'm a fat, smelly, lazy bastard
  • I'll have a panic attack
  • I'll be out of control
  • I won't be able to get home
As I started to whip myself into a panic, my thoughts started becoming more irrational, the negativity creeped in, the intrusive nature peeked and other symptoms followed.

MOOD/EMOTIONS
  •   Anxious
  • Low
  • Panic
 As my thoughts were racing my mood went from being normal, to going extremely low, extremely fast. I became panicky and anxious all of a sudden.

BEHAVIOUR
  • Rushed along
  • Escape
  • Seek reassurance 
  • Checked armpits for sweat
  • Pulled shirt down
  • Breathing control 
As my emotions and thoughts started to worsen, my behaviour started to become irrational too. I kept checking my armpits to see if I was sweating too much, I became paranoid that my back was getting too sweaty so kept pulling my shirt down, I started to breath heavier and faster. All stemming from my thought process.

PHYSICAL
  •  Sweaty
  • Heart racing
  • Warm
  • Fast breathing 
Obviously because of the above three combined, I started to sweat more, my heart did start to beat faster, I did become warmer and my breathing did become more irregular.

I'm talking you through this as I want you to get an understanding of how your body is working when in panic. Thoughts, Emotions, Behaviour and Physicality all combine to make your body think you are in a panic situation, when in reality you are not. 

Let's try another situation....Think of your favourite food? Mine is steak. Now spend a few seconds thinking about eating that food. Your mouth is watering, right? Well that's because your brain is preparing your body for that meal, when in reality you won't be eating that meal. This works the same for panic, your brain is telling your body that you are in a dangerous situation, fight or flight, when in reality you are not. That is what induces the panic attack. 

I will go further into panic attacks later on in the blog, for now this is just a little introduction to knowing what your body is going through. I believe that that will help to cure me of my panic attacks in the long run.

REMEMBER - Panic attacks are not harmful!!! They are unpleasant but not dangerous!!!


Monday 2 June 2014

Monday Quote!!


This weeks quote comes courtesy of Les Brown -

















Coping with depression on a daily basis...

So as you know I'll be posting on a Monday and a Friday about depression. Friday, I intend to keep for my own story, how I've got through the week, how I am coping etc.. Monday, however, I would like to keep it quite light hearted, sharing stories/tips, posting quotes and just try to keep it nice, as you don't wanna start your week on a downer. 

This week, after doing some research online, I'd like to do a little run down of 5 things to help lighten the load when you are feeling depressed. More often than not, it is something you don't want to tell people and struggle through on your own, but as the saying goes, 'a problem shared is a problem halved.' So here are my 5 tips on coping with your depression daily - 

1. Share Your Issues/Thoughts/Feelings - Keeping our thoughts/feelings to ourselves will make you feel like you are not a burden on anyone's shoulders, but infact, you are making the load on your own shoulders increasingly heavy to carry. Tell close friends or family members about how you are feeling, share with them how your mind is working, they want to help you through difficult times and not allowing them in won't help you in the long run. If, like me, you are sometimes too embarrassed to tell people who are close to you problems, write to a depression blog, message a Facebook page your thoughts, just let the steam out somehow. Facebook pages are often good as the people who like them are in a similar situation to you or have dealt with the situation. You will receive some nice words of support that can carry you through, even on the darkest days!!

2.  Try Something (Anything) - Just as it says on the tin! Depressive, negative thoughts can consume you every minute of every day when doing nothing. Try pulling yourself away from your mind, even if it is just an hour and do something. I appreciate that sometimes concentration levels are low and you may not feel social, so try something alone. Something simple such as baking a cake, it takes under an hour, keeps your mind busy and there's always room for a tasty cake!! ;) Have a dog? Go for an hours walk somewhere where you can enjoy the outdoors, even if you don't want company, the exercise will do you good and your dog will love it too, simple games of fetch, throwing a ball (even when you have to collect it) or taking your dog for a swim can help clear the mind. If you are feeling more social, how about meeting a friend for lunch, or even cooking for a friend at home? Both of these can be good for various reasons, if you go out, you can get dressed up, spend a couple of hours in a cafe, just idle chatting can really cheer you up. Cooking for someone can too, spending an afternoon preparing food, picking wine, getting dressed and dining with someone (again, having idle conversation) can turn a frown upside down.

3. Release Yourself of Negative People - I chose this one from personal experience, so this may not be the case for everyone. Negative people spur negative thoughts which will only drag you down. Sure, you want to be the friend to helps everyone out, be their shoulder to cry on, even when you have your own issues. Well STOP! Your main focus should be getting your life back on track, not piling on the worries. Take sometime to look over the people you have in your life, keep the positive people, who lift you up in times of sadness, who nip in for that 30 min coffee or who ring you up and say fancy lunch? Get rid of those who are constantly moaning on Facebook, those friends who call you up for a good moan and those who are bitchy/gossipy (chances are, if they are slagging someone off to you, they are slagging you off to someone.) I say this as I have halted all the negative people around me, and feel miles better for it. I'm having time to heal myself, before healing others.

4. Keep A Diary/Journal - I learned this from my CB Therapist. Each day, before bed, write down how you feel the day has gone, any thoughts that are still on your mind, worries, feelings...Anything really. It's about taking what's clouding above and writing it out down below. I also find planning your next day in the form of a list is helpful, it keeps your mind from worrying about what the next day has in store, when you can see it all in front of you. A little added extra on this...When you write down any negative thoughts, worries or things that are making you sad, try scrunching the paper in a ball and throwing it in the bin, rip the paper in half or scribble everything out really fast. I find that this can help just get rid of some stresses before bed.

5. Keep Positive - I know this can be the hardest of them all and with people around you saying "don't worry" "stay strong" it is easier said than done. Just remember that you are not alone in what you are going through, there are hundreds of thousands of people who are in a similar situation to you and there are even more in a worse situation. Write down all the things that make you feel good about yourself, take time to try and do the things you enjoy and surround yourself with the people/things you love. Got an uplifting song? Play it first thing in the morning! Got a favourite cuddly toy? Give it a big squeeze whenever you feel negative! Have a favourite quote? Put it on a post-it note on the fridge, keep it on a notice board in your room or write it down in plain view so that everytime you see it, it gives you that little bit of a boost.


I fully understand that these may not work for everyone, but these things combined help me get through each day knowing that someday I will get better, it may not seem it sometimes and my god are somedays a struggle, but I always have the right things around to pull me through each and everyday so that I'm still here for the next :D

A.R. Wilson x

Saturday 31 May 2014

Your friends are the family you choose....

Being the first post about Gay Culture, I'd like to start with sharing my experiences and how being gay has effected my life as a whole. This post will be straight to the point and quite a quick post. The posts following this I will dive into the topics of marriage, adoption etc.. For now though here is my experience...

I came out just after my mum died, around the age of 15/16, one of my only regrets I have is not telling my mum I was gay but I'm sure she knew, well I hope anyway. Coming out was fairly easy for me, my school mates were fine, other people in my year had struggled with bullying but I managed to avoid that. I still was welcomed on the school football team, obviously there were a few jokes among the lads, but I took it as banter.

It seemed like everyone around me accepted the fact I was gay, except for my step-dad, he just couldn't accept it. We had very heated arguments, I was aloud previous girlfriends round but not boys and he wouldn't open up conversations about my sexuality. A few months after coming out, we had a heated argument on the phone where he told me he was going to come home and fight me. Before he had the chance, I packed my bags and moved to my friends. All the the age of 15/16. I felt like I couldn't live with the man who promised me so much when my mum died, but never lived through the promises. 
The next year flew by, I moved back to Scotland with my dad. My dad was the one person I never thought would except I was gay but he was the opposite. He rang me one night asking me to tell him my secret, I laughed, and he just said I should have just told him and that he loved me for who I am. My dad has been in and out of jail, he's a big burly mans man and for him to say that to me, it gave me hope.
Things never worked out in Scotland, I moved back to Leeds within a few months and started life all over again. I was 17, in a big city, alone and didn't know where to turn. I met a boyfriend then, Kevin, a drag queen who worked on the gay scene, we raised a few eyebrows as I was 17 and he was 27 but, we lasted a couple of years.
 
Being with Kevin opened my eyes to the whole gay scene, the accepting nature, the warm family like feel and the seemingly happiness of everyone there. It wasn't till I turned 19 I realised the dark side. The seedy, drug filled, bitchy, nasty scene that I had been so oblivious to... But the friends I made there, some are like family, hence the title.

My drug problems started on the gay scene, but that's a whole other story! I met a partner in the gay club I worked for, I was with him for 3-4 years, we separated, but are still really close. Today, I'm single, feeling increasingly lonely, the place where I live doesn't have any gay bars, I haven't met any gay people and don't have any gay friends.

I have kept this short and straight to the point, missing out details as I want to post about the gay scene in more detail, about other issues I've come across as a gay man and obviously, as mentioned, the subject of marriage, adoption and more. 

A.R. Wilson x

Friday 30 May 2014

That Anxious Feeling...

Anxiety
noun
1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

If only how I felt could be described in two simple sentences, if only I could let my mind know that it's all in my head and if only my body didn't react as it did to every worrying situation/moment/thought I had!! If only....

This is the first post I in the anxiety section of the blog. Something that is fairly new to me and my body, something I wish I could click my fingers and it disappear and something that I wish my friends and family understood more.

I've always had that nervous feeling, you know when you walk past a group of chavs? a group of lads? or entering a new workplace for the first time? I've always been on top of my nerves, never struggled and always been highly confident in what I do and say (I'm quite opinionated) Every job interview I've been to I've always got the job but now my body and mind can't cope with any of this, even simple little tasks.

My anxiety started back in June/July last year when I was given a promotion at work to run my own mini team, I was ecstatic, loved the job, loved my colleagues and always wanted to run my own team for as long as I can remember. When I undertook the role, that's when the nervous feeling started to overtake my rational mind, I was scared of being late for work, scared of having to be the bad guy, scared of messing up at somepoint and scared of being shown up by one of my team (I was in sales)

Being the only gay guy in the office obviously came with the fun and jibes, "gay Ross" "only gay in the office" "backs against the wall" that sort of stuff I always brushed off as a joke, but the more I think of it the more I think it started to take its toll. I was always up for a laugh but the more time I spent with my work colleagues the more I became nervous of a joke, a bit of office gossip or just conversation in general. I started to dwindle, taking time off, missing meetings and not meeting targets. That's when the pressure kicked in real bad and I started to crumble.

It was one silly night out with the Director of the company that ultimately last me my job. After a few drinks, we sat up all night snorting copious amounts of amphetamine. Me, being the team leader, had to turn up for work, no sleep, eyes like a deer in the headlights and shaking like a leaf. My manager chuckled, sent me home and said come back in tomorrow. I got home, chest was pounding, palpitating, so I ended up in an ambulance. That's really when my job ended, I was off sick for a month after that, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and I just couldn't bring myself to get back into the job. I got sacked around the start of October!

From there on in I've become a shell of the person I once was. I suffer severe panic attacks almost on a daily basis, I leave the house maybe once a week, twice at a push and I am in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I've lost all my friends (I moved to where I live knowing no-one and my workmates were my only friends) and have done maybe one or two social activities since October. I've lost every once of confidence I have and I just can't seem to shake things off.

I've been to four sessions of CB Therapy (Cognitive Behavior) and we have only just, in my last session, covered my full past history, so now hopefully the therapy can get into full swing. So far we have touched upon PTSD and Social Anxiety being what I have. Over the next few posts I'll go into what my therapist thinks is the root of my anxiety (partly me being mugged in May last year and partly the domestic abuse I witnessed as a child)

I'm currently on medication to combat my anxiety, the highest dosage of the medicine I'm on, and have felt no effect from what I am taking. I will blog about the medication later on this blog.

For now, I want to leave on this note, at the moment I can see no way out of my anxiety disorder, it has consumed me both mentally and physically. Along with my depression, I'm no longer the person I was and in the future I know I will never be the person I once was. I do have hope though, and that's what is keeping me going... 

Let's Start With My Battle With Depression....

So this is the first actual post I'm doing about my story. I wanted to start with Depression as this is the longest and probably the hardest battle I am facing at the moment. 

I think my depression really started around when I was 15 when my mum passed away, the feeling of not belonging, the empty feeling in my stomach each day and the pain it caused me thinking about never getting to see her again, at such a young age was hard to come to terms with. 

I went through a few years before I even contemplated I was depressed, in fact I was only diagnosed with depression February this year! Now a lot of you will be thinking surely you must have known you were depressed?? Well in all honesty I never. I was young, naive and bottled all my feelings up for years, I was always the "strong one" out of my friend group or the "leader" of the household. I had a lot on my shoulders and never took the time to look into how I was feeling and just shrugged it off and carried on.

It got to a point in October last year, after all the drugs I had taken, the change of lifestyle I had, the moving away to get myself right and losing my job that I finally saw the cracks in my character that I had plastered over for so many years. I mean, to go 7 years without much help, and the responsibilities I had, I was bound to crack at some point, and that started then.

I slowly started to think of my life as a whole! Where I was at? What I had done? Why did I get dealt these cards to deal with? Why did everyone else my age have a care free life? It just all started to add up, the bad choices I had made, the struggles I had faced and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks. The only support I have is one friend and my brother, who I love with all my heart and if I had to lose them, then I don't know where I would go or what I would do. 

I went on a downward spiral, started not leaving the house, constantly had horrible thoughts rushing round my head and just gave up on life. I thought to myself I've tried so hard for so long, I just can't do it anymore. Christmas last year was one of the lowest points I have had, everytime an advert came on showing a happy family, everytime I looked over at the tree and saw very little underneath it and everytime I was out and about seeing people happy it made me hate myself and my life even more. I wanted to kill myself. 

Over that period I had many suicidal thoughts, but I couldn't even contemplate leaving my younger brother to fend for himself, what kind of person would that make me? This is when the self harming kicked in. Everytime I felt any pain, I take the razor out and go at my legs like gardener trimming a hedge, cutting till I could cut no more, it was the only way, I felt, to control the suicidal thoughts. 

After a few months I finally plucked up the courage to go see my GP. I explained everything that had gone on, my past, my present and what I viewed to be my future. This was in February. I was given support numbers, medication to help with the anxiety and was being referred to the mental health team. I finally thought that my life would get back on track....

It's now the end of May, I still self harm near enough every week, the pain won't go, I can't face the day most days and barely leave the house due to my anxiety. The medication I feel isn't working at the moment (even though I'm on the highest possible dose.) My mind is still constantly racing with thoughts about how worthless I feel, about how my life doesn't feel complete and that it's just a waste. I currently am undergoing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I have had 4 sessions, where we have just only covered my back story leading up to this point.  The only positive spin I can put on things at the moment is I know I will get better eventually, it's just frustrating having to battle each day when I feel I can't battle anymore. 

This is why I am writing this blog. I want to share my thoughts and feelings throughout my journey here, in the hope that someone out there is feeling the same as I do or has had the same experiences I have had. Here's to hoping....!


  

Thursday 29 May 2014

My Experiences & Blog Structure...

I want to touch upon why I feel I need to talk about the subjects in this blog, give a brief description on my experiences of the subjects and how my structure will form when posting. 

So your probably wondering what qualifies me to speak about the subjects on the blog and why I have chosen these issues. Now as I have mentioned I am no writer, nor am I a medical professional but I always find it better to share experiences with others in the hope they can share with me so I know I'm not alone or what I am feeling is unnatural, so here is a brief run down of each of the topics and why I am approaching them on this blog -

Depression - Most people at some point will feel low, depressed or have to deal with depression in some way or another. I currently am suffering with severe depression, I feel like life can't go on somedays, I self harm, I cry, I lock myself away and hate having to deal with the struggles of everyday life. This stems from the past issues I've had to deal with, the issues I'm dealing with now and what I think lays ahead for me in the future. I'm currently on medication for my depression, I go to a therapist once a week and will be seeing other councillors in the coming months to help me get over what I'm feeling. I want to include this on here as it is an everyday occurrence for some people and I want them to know they are not alone, that is why I would like to include the sharing stories aspect of this blog. Depression topics will be written and posted about on a Monday and on a Friday.

Anxiety - Anxiety is something that is fairly new to me, obviously everyone feels anxious at some point whether its general everyday worries or severe anxiety for your particular fear. For me, personally, my anxiety is the fear of people, being judged, possibly attacked, ganged up on and rejected. This has stopped my social life in its tracks, I barely leave the house (once or twice a week) as I'm constantly feeling that people are looking at me and judging me, or if I walk past a group of people they will attack me. I feel I need to address this as I'm currently going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help me deal with my anxiety woes. Panic attacks are frequent, lack of sleep every night and thoughts of worry are constantly racing through my mind. Anxiety topics will be written and posted on a Tuesday and on a Friday.

Death - 7 years ago my mum passed away, when I was only 15, about to do my GCSEs. I wanted to include this subject as 7 years on I am still not over what has happened, I feel jealous, angry, hurt, upset a full rollercoaster of emotions everyday. I feel what's happened is unfair to me. Every little thing reminds me of my mum and moving forward is hard without having the support (I do have family, but will touch on that in another post) I know that everyone will lose their parents someday, and I included this on here so I could be frank with my emotions, to let people know about the thoughts that go through your head when dealing with death. I also want people to share their experiences with me, so I know I'm not alone. Death topics will be posted on a Wednesday.

Drugs - From the age of 15/16 I have dabbled with drugs, as mentioned before from Legal Highs to Class A drugs. I was addicted to Mephedrone (M-Cat, Meow Meow) for 3 years of my life. I consumed all my money, I lost friends, was classified as homeless (although not living on the street) and changed my appearance and body. I was taking this drug 5 or 6 nights a week, only eating once or twice a week and not really living a normal life. I have also dabbled in Ketamine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, MDMA, Pills, Weed, GHB on a regular basis. I have been clean from drugs for 2 years (besides weed that's 3 months) and would like to share my experiences of how it has effected me and also get to know your experiences with drugs. Drug topics will be posted on a Thursday.

Gay Culture - Being a gay man myself, I thought I would write about this topic as it is very current and has a lot of press, some good, some bad. I worked on the gay scene for a few years, dated people on the gay scene and practically lived on the gay scene so I know first hand how good, nasty, exciting and bitchy it can be. I'd like to share my experiences of how being gay has changed my life, what I took from the gay scene and how it all has effected me. I also what to talk about topics such as gay marriage, adoption and life, debate the issue as I know many people have conflicting arguements for and against and I'm interested to hear them all. Gay Culture topics will be posted on a Saturday.

I hope this gives you a little more understanding into why I have chosen these particular topics to address. I feel I have a wide range of thoughts, feelings and experiences on each of the issues to really make this blog work and get it to where I would like it to be. 
Tomorrow will be the first day where I am going to start telling my story, starting with Depression and Anxiety. 

A.R. Wilson x

   

Intoduction to the Blog....

Hi All, 

So here goes my first post on this blog!! I have high ambitions of where I want this blog to go, so I do hope that I can fulfill them and possibly help even just one person. 

Firstly, I would just like to start off by saying that the majority of the postings I do to start will be about my background story in these particular topics. I am not a professional writer (so excuse if my punctuation is a little out or there are misspellings here or there), nor am I a medical professional so most of what I write will come from the heart and my mind. I feel very passionately about starting this blog up and I hope to reach out to people who are or have suffered similar experiences to myself in all or even just one of the topics. 

I'm not going to bombard you with all my story at once, when I cover a particular topic I will speak about the background of my experiences and gradually you will start to see the story of what I call my life forming. Having looked online I can see that there are other sites that include help, advice and experiences of the topics I am going to be talking about. I have though seen that not every topic is covered on the same site and you may have to do a bit of searching to find the relation, this is why I am covering all the topics here, in one place, kind of like a hub for people to visit and share their experiences too! I find that most of the issues I'm going to talk about cross over, like depression and drug use or gay culture and anxiety, at least in my experiences anyway. 

So what do I want to get from this blog? Well, on each individual page I have included what I hope to post, get from the page and happen to move the pages forward. I would like the blog to be a hub of information really. A place where people can come to visit if they what to share their experience. A place where you can read of first hand experiences in a particular topic or all of the topics if you have lived as I have. I hope to speak with the professionals associated with each topic and get their views on how they have seen the effects of depression for example. Ultimately, this blog is designed to show that no matter what angle your life is at at the moment there are people who are going through what you are, there are people who have come out the other side strong and that suffering with one or more of these issues is not the end of the world, there will always be a helping hand to life you up or give you that smack on the bum to get you moving. 

I'm going to wrap this first post up now, I don't want to babble on, I will post about briefly about my experiences in my next post and the structure of how the blog will work (the days which I will post what.) I have set up a twitter account which you can follow, this will keep you up to date with the latest news, posts and just general light hearted posts - @ARWilsonFYM

A.R.Wilson x