Friday 6 June 2014

What If.....

So, you know when your having a really low day, your mind is working in overdrive and there are unanswered questions, thoughts and feelings floating round your mind? Well this post is going to be about the questions and thoughts that I have to deal with daily. 

Life is full of those moments of what if this happened? Or what if I had done that? These are the main thoughts that go through my head everyday and the thoughts I struggle with the most. When I self harm, it tends to be for two reasons, the first being if I have been nasty, snappy or hurtful to someone then I feel I need to cause myself pain to counter-act the pain I will have caused them. Secondly, when I have had to deal with a subject that is hurtful to me, that has left unanswered questions or leaves me confused, I battle that with self harm too. It's the wrong thing to do, I know that, but it's my coping mechanism at the moment! I've spoken with my doctor and therapist, who have given me the tools to self harm safely. I will talk more about self harm in a later post. 

The unanswered questions that make me feel so low tend to be questions that can never be answered. One being, what would my life be like if my mum was still here? I know that I can never have an answer to that, but just that simple question leads to others like would I have been a drug addict? Would I have had to move away? Would I still have family I speak to? So it's like a chain reaction, and when I get into that chain I can't pull myself out of it.

I often think over the choices I've made in life and whether they are the right ones. Should I have just said no to taking drugs? Could I have stepped up fully in my last job and not crumbled under the pressure? Ultimately, again, those questions can never be answered. My mind can't stop replaying old scenarios which I feel if I had a better understanding or had a parent figure there to give me a nudge in the right direction then I wouldn't have had to go through what I have been through. Sometimes life is unfair, but it's coping with it being unfair I struggle with. 

When I look back at the end of my school years, I look with jealousy at the people who had 'perfect' family lives, who didn't have to deal with the death of their parent, who didn't have to deal with seeing domestic violence for years and who always had a strong support network around. Don't get me wrong, I had some great support around, but it just wasn't my mum and it makes me both sad and angry that I didn't get the same chance as everyone else to have a good go at this thing we call life. 

I suppose in hindsight I made choices for myself. Everyone has those options. I chose to shove copious amounts of drugs up my nose. I chose to take on the job role that led to my breakdown. But there is always that part of me that wishes I could go back, scribble out parts of the past so that I could have set up a better future for myself. A lot of people say that your experiences make you stronger, but you can only be so strong for so long before you eventually give in, right?

I suppose what I'm trying to get at with this post is some clearance on the situation, clearance I may never get. Is it natural to have these thought processes? And to wish to want to rewrite the past? Sometimes, I wish life had a start over button, so that when something goes bad, you press it and you can start that process again. Some questions are probably better left unanswered, that way you can always dream of things that could happen or when you look back, you can put yourself in situations and answer your own what ifs?

A.R Wilson x

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