That Anxious Feeling...

Anxiety

noun

1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

If only how I felt could be described in two simple sentences, if only I could let my mind know that it's all in my head and if only my body didn't react as it did to every worrying situation/moment/thought I had!! If only....

This is the first post I in the anxiety section of the blog. Something that is fairly new to me and my body, something I wish I could click my fingers and it disappear and something that I wish my friends and family understood more.

I've always had that nervous feeling, you know when you walk past a group of chavs? a group of lads? or entering a new workplace for the first time? I've always been on top of my nerves, never struggled and always been highly confident in what I do and say (I'm quite opinionated) Every job interview I've been to I've always got the job but now my body and mind can't cope with any of this, even simple little tasks.

My anxiety started back in June/July last year when I was given a promotion at work to run my own mini team, I was ecstatic, loved the job, loved my colleagues and always wanted to run my own team for as long as I can remember. When I undertook the role, that's when the nervous feeling started to overtake my rational mind, I was scared of being late for work, scared of having to be the bad guy, scared of messing up at somepoint and scared of being shown up by one of my team (I was in sales)

Being the only gay guy in the office obviously came with the fun and jibes, "gay Ross" "only gay in the office" "backs against the wall" that sort of stuff I always brushed off as a joke, but the more I think of it the more I think it started to take its toll. I was always up for a laugh but the more time I spent with my work colleagues the more I became nervous of a joke, a bit of office gossip or just conversation in general. I started to dwindle, taking time off, missing meetings and not meeting targets. That's when the pressure kicked in real bad and I started to crumble.

It was one silly night out with the Director of the company that ultimately last me my job. After a few drinks, we sat up all night snorting copious amounts of amphetamine. Me, being the team leader, had to turn up for work, no sleep, eyes like a deer in the headlights and shaking like a leaf. My manager chuckled, sent me home and said come back in tomorrow. I got home, chest was pounding, palpitating, so I ended up in an ambulance. That's really when my job ended, I was off sick for a month after that, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and I just couldn't bring myself to get back into the job. I got sacked around the start of October!

From there on in I've become a shell of the person I once was. I suffer severe panic attacks almost on a daily basis, I leave the house maybe once a week, twice at a push and I am in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I've lost all my friends (I moved to where I live knowing no-one and my workmates were my only friends) and have done maybe one or two social activities since October. I've lost every once of confidence I have and I just can't seem to shake things off.

I've been to four sessions of CB Therapy (Cognitive Behavior) and we have only just, in my last session, covered my full past history, so now hopefully the therapy can get into full swing. So far we have touched upon PTSD and Social Anxiety being what I have. Over the next few posts I'll go into what my therapist thinks is the root of my anxiety (partly me being mugged in May last year and partly the domestic abuse I witnessed as a child)

I'm currently on medication to combat my anxiety, the highest dosage of the medicine I'm on, and have felt no effect from what I am taking. I will blog about the medication later on this blog.

For now, I want to leave on this note, at the moment I can see no way out of my anxiety disorder, it has consumed me both mentally and physically. Along with my depression, I'm no longer the person I was and in the future I know I will never be the person I once was. I do have hope though, and that's what is keeping me going...