Facing Your Fears...

So the weekend is here and yet another week passes me by!! This week has been a better week for me I'm glad to say, minus the headache I had last night, but overall a much better week compared to last! I wanted to post today about facing up to your fears. This includes both your fears with Anxiety and Depression. I faced up to a major fear of mine today and surprised myself, hence the topic!

One of my major fears is the dentist as it is with many other people. Now, just to give you an idea of how scared I am of the dentist, I haven't been in 5 years (maybe more.) I know what you are all thinking, god my teeth must be and absolute mess, but surprisingly they are in quite good condition, minus the reason I had to go today. The thought of the anaesthetic, the prodding around my mouth and the smell of the clinical rooms.. Everything about the dentist petrifies me, to the point I become a quivering mess. 

I have had toothache for the past 5 days or so, which I thought was due to my last wisdom tooth pushing through, unfortunately not. I had a filling the last time I was at the dentist, all those years ago, and the tooth that has the filling has cracked so I had to bite the bullet and book an appointment. After speaking with my therapist about this on Tuesday, she said the longer I wait, the worse it will become. After spending a day worrying about my tooth, the dentist and whether I could get away with not going, I got a friend to book me an emergency appointment. 

As you can imagine, with my anxiety/depression this was a big step, especially with heightened anxiety at the moment, the dentist was the last thing I needed to add on to my ever growing list of woes. So the appointment was booked and for the past 2 days its all I could think about. What was going to happen? Are they going to have to pull all my teeth? What if my wisdom teeth were dodgy and needed sorting? The list of questions were endless. I got an early night last night because I had a migraine (which I think was due to stressing.)

So today came, I got up and just went. I knew it was something I HAD to do, and backing out would only make the problem worse. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely shitting myself. I was sweaty, drip white and had extremely bad dry mouth. When I got there I was shaking, terrified and even told the receptionist how bad I was feeling, she obviously said "You'll be fine!"

When I got into the dentist chair, looking around the room at all the equipment, the bright lights, the needles, the tools, everything was staring right at me. The sweating increased and I told the dentist how scared I was. She put me right at ease, had a little look round my mouth and said okay, were done. WHAT???!!!! She told me that I needed antibiotics before the treatment and that I had a couple of options. I chose the option of just getting the tooth pulled. So I have to go back again in two weeks time, but I have hope in myself now, I prepared myself for the worst today and I actually felt I done okay.

So that brings me to the topic of the post. This whole anxiety/depression thing I've got going on. Yes, my anxiety is terrible, but facing my fear today has given me hope for beating my mental illnesses. I feel that taking this step today proves to me that I can do things when I put my mind to them, and keep the anxiety down low. I know my quite a few of my readers suffer with anxiety, so I want to give you this message. You will beat this!! Fear is all in the mind and its what you make it. Challenge yourself from now on. Scared of going outside?? Take a few steps in your garden. Then slowly push yourself to take a few more outside and keep going!! You are better than your anxiety.

Scared of spiders?? Start by looking at pictures and build up a tolerance. Then take it step by step to eventually letting one stay in the corner of the room. Have health anxiety? Worried about illness? Go to the doctors, put your mind at ease. You will feel better for it. I feel optimistic for everyone who I've spoken to since writing this blog. I know that times will be tough, heck there will even be days when you want to give up completely and let your depression/anxiety take over. That's okay!! Remember though that you are better than anything that pulls you down, your mind is a wonderful thing and just allowing yourself to have a couple of positive days will do you the world of difference. 

I for one from here on in am going to look at things in a different light. As I have said, I have a new found hope that I can beat my mental illnesses. I know today was only a baby step, but it's a step in the right direction none the less. I mean, I haven't been to the dentist in 5 years or so and today, even with all my mental health issues, I done it. I goes to show that there is still hope there. I want to share my positivity with all of you. I'll say it again, YOU CAN BEAT IT!!!

A.R. Wilson x       

Understanding What Type of Anxiety you Have...

So I have not been feeling too well the past couple of days and missed out on writing this post yesterday as I was too ill. I've been having bad headaches for the past week or so, but yesterday was pretty bad. Having that day off made me think of my anxiety and what type I fall into! My anxiety has convinced me that I have a Brain Tumour (ridiculous I know, but it is all I can think about) so I wanted to do a post on different anxiety types and how they effect you.

Anxiety is a complicated feeling. Some people are absolutely crippled by it and don't leave the house, some can get on with everyday things and others mange to cope living with it but it still effects everyday life. Before suffering with anxiety myself, I just assumed that you were anxious and that was that, I never knew of all the different types, causes, symptoms and outcomes of having anxiety. So here is a run down of the main types of anxiety, you may suffer from just one or you might suffer them all, at least if you know what anxiety you have, you will be able to fight it - 

Panic Disorder - Panic Disorder is where you have regular panic attacks that can hit you at any time. These are often recurring and worsen with the severity of your condition. You may have just a couple of panic attacks a month or have several on a weekly basis. Everyone suffers a little anxiety from time to time, but with panic disorder the feelings of anxiety, stress and panic combine to cause you to enter panic mode regularly. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - OCD gets a lot of press. From TV shows that look into the lives of people suffering to daily news articles about the condition. It is very well known. For those of you that don't know, OCD is a condition that combines obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. The obsessive side is having unpleasant/unwanted thoughts that cause you anxiety and the compulsive side, is the repetitive behaviour to try and combat those obsessive thoughts. OCD, as with other anxieties, ranges from mild (spending an hour a day having obsessive compulsive thoughts) to severe (the condition taking over your life)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is caused by a particular event that has happened that you found frightening, very stressful or distressful. There are any causes to developing a PTSD and it can take weeks, months or even years after the event occurred for you to develop the symptoms. People suffering from PTSD often have flashbacks or relive the memories of the event in their minds. The symptoms of PTSD are severe and often take over your daily living, as the feelings of guilt, isolation and irritability take over. Suffering from this disorder often makes you emotionally numb. 

Social Anxiety Disorder - Social Anxiety is one of the most common anxiety disorders. It is the consistent fear of social situations or being around people. Social anxiety takes over your daily life and effects everyday tasks such as shopping, talking on the phone and socialising with friends. It often disrupts your quality of life and if a child suffers from it, it can effect their school life and learning. There are a wide variety of symptoms someone suffering social anxiety will suffer including the fear of being judge, ridiculed, embarrassing themselves and dreading everyday activities. People suffering from SAD will often just avoid the situations completely, which in some cases develops into agoraphobia, causing sufferers to rarely leave the house, if at all!

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) -GAD, covers a wide range of worries, situations and issues rather than a specific event. People who suffer from GAD tend to suffer over a long period of time, rather than having anxiety that comes and goes. Suffers are anxious constantly and rarely can remember the last time they felt relaxed or in control. There are a wide range of symptoms that come with GAD and these are both physical and mental. Each persons symptoms are different and vary from insomnia, feeling restless constantly and having trouble concentrating. There is not one particular cause of GAD but suffers often have a mixture of factors that play a role. 

Personally, after working with my therapist, she thinks that I suffer from several of these types of anxiety. Social, PTSD and Panic. We are working together on each individual type, to try and combat what I feel on a day to day basis. Most of these disorders are treated with CBT and in some cases, medication is used too. I would advise that if you think you suffer from any of these to speak with your Doctor and seek the best method of help for you. 

Understanding what type of anxiety you suffer is pivotal in fighting to get better and without an understanding of what is going on, it is hard to move forward. Do some research, check with other sufferers and try and push yourself into uncomfortable situations, to show yourself that it is just anxiety and you are not in danger. I know that it's easier said than done, believe me, I understand!!

Remember, without addressing your issue, you won't release yourself from the grip of suffering anxiety! You can do this!!

A.R Wilson x 

 

Help Is At Hand...

Hi Guys! I can't quite believe that I have had over 1000 views on the blog in just over a week, I didn't even expect to get 20 views!! I feel very humbled and want to thank everyone for their kind words, comments and for sharing your stories with me too.

Today in this Depression post, I want to write about the different avenues of help that are out there. When in your time of need, it can be quite confusing about where you need to turn to. Your mind is already clogged with thoughts that have driven you into depression, so the main thing you do is just try to get by, but there is help out there and when you get the the point where you feel you need it, take it and embrace it.

Below I have wrote where I have found help and a quick description of what I have found. What may work for me may not work for you, so try to have an open mind when approaching for help, and if you find that one doesn't work, move onto the next. Whatever way you need help, there will be an option for you, so don't fret if it takes a while to find the right avenue for you, it will take time!!

Online Groups - I wanted to put this first in the post as over the past few weeks I have seen first hand the support that is there for you. By simply typing Depression into social media platforms, you will find an array of groups that cater for your needs. Have a little look around each group before deciding which one to join, look at the posts the page has posted, the opinions others have shared and  how many people are in the group (You may want a small group with a few people in it or a group with thousands of comments, likes and shares, it's your preference.) You will find the people who have liked the group like to share their stories, experiences and inspirations. You can take a lot of comfort from other posts, seeing that you are not alone in what you are going through and even have someone share the exact same story as you. You can either be a background reader, just follow the posts, maybe comment on a few stories or even just sit back and take in all the shared experiences. Or, maybe you want to dive straight in, get your story out there and let people comment their thoughts and feelings back. I found diving straight in has helped me thoroughly, just having a few consoling words whenever I'm down really has helped me though some days. Each to their own is the case here, so if you do choose to look online, take your time and pick the right one for you .

Family/Friends - This one seems very obvious but can often be the one that your rule out. Now, maybe you rule it out due to embarrassment, maybe because you don't want them to know your deep, deep issues or maybe you just prefer other forms of help, whatever your choice, at least let one person close to you know, just for safety purposes. I personally ruled this one out at first, I was too ashamed to tell anyone close to me, I have always been the strong one and I didn't want to show any weakness. I can count the people that know about my depression one of my hands (minus my readers.)  When I first told people about my depression, they met me with a lot of understanding, a lot of compassion and generally a lot of help, which made me feel silly for bottling it up for so long. They are there for me to help me through my everyday battles. I turn to them when I'm feeling low and want to get everything off my chest. All your friends and family want you to be as well as you can be, although it is a long battle to combat, they want to pick you up when you are down, give you a ride to your appointment and give you the courage to take steps to get help. Even if you only tell one person close to you, make sure you do as a problem shared is a problem halved.

 Doctor/GP- This one I feel is very important. Although the two above are good for those general day to day struggles, your Dr or GP are medical professionals and you are suffering a medical illness!! I went almost 4 months before consulting my GP and have regretted not going sooner. Taking that first step through the door and admitting you might be mentally ill is one hell of a battle on its own, but you are never going to get better if you don't seek medical help. Your Dr/GP is there for you whatever your ailment, and will be there to support you in combating your depression. Whether you go for medicine to ward off the blues or just going for some information on the options available to you, they will have dealt with cases like yours almost on a daily basis and will give you the right treatment catered to you. Depending on how severe your case of depression is will depend on the route you take. You will be put in touch will Mental Health Organisations, you will be given numbers for charities/groups that can help when in your darkest hour or you can just deal with your Dr direct. Whatever option they give you, you can be sure that your medical records are fully updated with your depression status, just so that if anything does go wrong (touch wood it doesn't) they know exactly what you are going through.

Mental Health Charities/Groups/Organisations - In my local area, we have a crisis team that you can call whenever you are having an extremely bad day. I was given the number by my GP. I have not yet used the number, but I have found out all the relevant information that I need to know, so that if I do call, I know they can help. So say I was having a very low day where I wanted to commit suicide, although it may not be my first thought, I can call the crisis team and speak to them about what I am feeling, what I am going through and what help I need. They are trained professionals who deal with these calls daily, so they will know what to talk to you about and give you that nudge to help you in the right direction. Also my GP referred me to our local mental health group. With them, I went for two initial appointments to talk about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and my back story. They, as with my GP, gave me all the relevant information to help me get through but what was different is they assessed me throughout my appointments to see what type of professional help I needed, this is how I started my CBT. I will also be following up my CBT with some Anger Management, Grief Counselling and will be meeting with a support worker weekly, so that I'm not alone after my initial therapy is complete. Lastly, but no means least, Charities! Without some charities, medical advances in combating depression wouldn't have moved forward as fast. Depression Charities vary from country to country but, here in the UK, we have many various charities that can aid you in whatever way you need. They have all the tools and resources to help you along the way. They offer support both online and via the telephone, they offer support workers/groups that you can go see and their websites are like online encyclopedias to help you discover your issues in depth. I have found Samaritans to be very helpful, just having that understanding voice at the end of a phone ease your though a dark time is very comforting. Everything you do say is confidential too, so your not going to be passed from pillar to post!!

Other Help - I've touched upon the help that I have used in more detail but there are lots of various corners you can turn to during your battle that I haven't used, that others have recommended me to. So here is a quick list of other sources you can utilise -

Books - Find comfort in reading up on your condition, read victory stories of those 
who have battled depression and learn of techniques to fight off your demons.

Self Help Guides - Many authors have published guides/articles about the positives of self help in battling depression. Maybe rent one from your library or have a gander at an 
online self help article.

Changes to Your Life - I have read a lot online that small changes to the way you live can combat your illness.Taking a more healthy approach
 to your diet, regular exercise and undertaking relaxation training can all help. 

E-Therapies - These can be used if you don't want to speak face to face with anyone. Some say that these online therapies are just as effective as working with a CB Therapist. These online therapies help you to understand how your mind is working and show you steps of
 how to make behavioural changes.


The whole point of this posting was to show you that even at times when you are alone, there is a wide variety of resources and help available to you, no matter how little/severe depression has effected you, how social/shy you are or how badly you need the help. It just takes that one step to admit you need the help before these doors open for you. To anyone who has read this and has not sought help, please do so, you won't regret it! And to those who have sought the help and are moving forward, congrats!! We can do this together.

AR Wilson x

Ten Rules When Coping With Panic...

Before pushing that panic button,  here are ten rules for coping with panic!!

1. Remember panic feelings are only normal reactions but exaggerated
2. They are not harmful and nothing worse will happen
3. Notice what is happening in your body, stay with the present, slow down, relax but keep going
4. Thinking about what might happen is unhelpful. Only now matters
5. Accept the anxious feelings. Let them run through you and they will disappear quicker
6. Monitor your anxiety levels 10 (worst) - 0 (least) and watch them go down.
7. Stay in the situation. If you avoid it, it will become difficult in the future
8. Take a few slow deep breaths
9. Consciously relax your tense muscles. Feel yourself relaxing.
10. Now concentrate again on what you were doing before the panic set in.

Panic! Panic! Panic!!

So as with the Depression side of the blog, I want to keep Friday for the updates on my anxiety story too! That means Tuesdays will be used to give general info, quotes, stories etc on anxiety. 

Today, I'd like to touch upon understanding Panic Attacks in more detail, I learned most of this from my CB Therapist. 

Firstly, have a look at this chart, my therapist went over this with me when I was having a panic attack after a shopping trip the other day. It's simple, but effective -

I want to go over this in more detail - picture the scenario, I was shopping, alone, warm and sweaty. I felt like people were staring at me, talking about me and knew that something was up with me. I started to panic, felt a panic attack coming on and wanted to get out!! Lets delve a little deeper into my - 

THOUGHTS

• Everyone watching/staring
• I must smell
• People will think I'm a fat, smelly, lazy bastard
• I'll have a panic attack
• I'll be out of control
• I won't be able to get home

As I started to whip myself into a panic, my thoughts started becoming more irrational, the negativity creeped in, the intrusive nature peeked and other symptoms followed.

MOOD/EMOTIONS

•   Anxious
• Low
• Panic

 As my thoughts were racing my mood went from being normal, to going extremely low, extremely fast. I became panicky and anxious all of a sudden.

BEHAVIOUR

• Rushed along
• Escape
• Seek reassurance 
• Checked armpits for sweat
• Pulled shirt down
• Breathing control 

As my emotions and thoughts started to worsen, my behaviour started to become irrational too. I kept checking my armpits to see if I was sweating too much, I became paranoid that my back was getting too sweaty so kept pulling my shirt down, I started to breath heavier and faster. All stemming from my thought process.

PHYSICAL

•  Sweaty
• Heart racing
• Warm
• Fast breathing 

Obviously because of the above three combined, I started to sweat more, my heart did start to beat faster, I did become warmer and my breathing did become more irregular.

I'm talking you through this as I want you to get an understanding of how your body is working when in panic. Thoughts, Emotions, Behaviour and Physicality all combine to make your body think you are in a panic situation, when in reality you are not. 

Let's try another situation....Think of your favourite food? Mine is steak. Now spend a few seconds thinking about eating that food. Your mouth is watering, right? Well that's because your brain is preparing your body for that meal, when in reality you won't be eating that meal. This works the same for panic, your brain is telling your body that you are in a dangerous situation, fight or flight, when in reality you are not. That is what induces the panic attack. 

I will go further into panic attacks later on in the blog, for now this is just a little introduction to knowing what your body is going through. I believe that that will help to cure me of my panic attacks in the long run.

REMEMBER - Panic attacks are not harmful!!! They are unpleasant but not dangerous!!!

That Anxious Feeling...

Anxiety

noun

1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

If only how I felt could be described in two simple sentences, if only I could let my mind know that it's all in my head and if only my body didn't react as it did to every worrying situation/moment/thought I had!! If only....

This is the first post I in the anxiety section of the blog. Something that is fairly new to me and my body, something I wish I could click my fingers and it disappear and something that I wish my friends and family understood more.

I've always had that nervous feeling, you know when you walk past a group of chavs? a group of lads? or entering a new workplace for the first time? I've always been on top of my nerves, never struggled and always been highly confident in what I do and say (I'm quite opinionated) Every job interview I've been to I've always got the job but now my body and mind can't cope with any of this, even simple little tasks.

My anxiety started back in June/July last year when I was given a promotion at work to run my own mini team, I was ecstatic, loved the job, loved my colleagues and always wanted to run my own team for as long as I can remember. When I undertook the role, that's when the nervous feeling started to overtake my rational mind, I was scared of being late for work, scared of having to be the bad guy, scared of messing up at somepoint and scared of being shown up by one of my team (I was in sales)

Being the only gay guy in the office obviously came with the fun and jibes, "gay Ross" "only gay in the office" "backs against the wall" that sort of stuff I always brushed off as a joke, but the more I think of it the more I think it started to take its toll. I was always up for a laugh but the more time I spent with my work colleagues the more I became nervous of a joke, a bit of office gossip or just conversation in general. I started to dwindle, taking time off, missing meetings and not meeting targets. That's when the pressure kicked in real bad and I started to crumble.

It was one silly night out with the Director of the company that ultimately last me my job. After a few drinks, we sat up all night snorting copious amounts of amphetamine. Me, being the team leader, had to turn up for work, no sleep, eyes like a deer in the headlights and shaking like a leaf. My manager chuckled, sent me home and said come back in tomorrow. I got home, chest was pounding, palpitating, so I ended up in an ambulance. That's really when my job ended, I was off sick for a month after that, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and I just couldn't bring myself to get back into the job. I got sacked around the start of October!

From there on in I've become a shell of the person I once was. I suffer severe panic attacks almost on a daily basis, I leave the house maybe once a week, twice at a push and I am in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I've lost all my friends (I moved to where I live knowing no-one and my workmates were my only friends) and have done maybe one or two social activities since October. I've lost every once of confidence I have and I just can't seem to shake things off.

I've been to four sessions of CB Therapy (Cognitive Behavior) and we have only just, in my last session, covered my full past history, so now hopefully the therapy can get into full swing. So far we have touched upon PTSD and Social Anxiety being what I have. Over the next few posts I'll go into what my therapist thinks is the root of my anxiety (partly me being mugged in May last year and partly the domestic abuse I witnessed as a child)

I'm currently on medication to combat my anxiety, the highest dosage of the medicine I'm on, and have felt no effect from what I am taking. I will blog about the medication later on this blog.

For now, I want to leave on this note, at the moment I can see no way out of my anxiety disorder, it has consumed me both mentally and physically. Along with my depression, I'm no longer the person I was and in the future I know I will never be the person I once was. I do have hope though, and that's what is keeping me going...