Does That Make Me Crazy..?

Hi Everyone!! It's been a little while since I've wrote on here, those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook and G+ know that I've not been feeling too good the past week or so, that's why I haven't written. I've decided that I'm going to change the structure of the blog a little, updating every two days rather than everyday. I will still be doing the same topics, just on alternate days :) 

Today I wanted to talk about my anxiety a little more, and how the past week has been very, very hard for me. Now if you have read my previous posts you will know that I currently suffer with three different forms of anxiety, PTSD, Social and Panic Disorder, but this week has been a whole different ball game for me, so here goes!

I started to get really bad headaches about a week ago, a slow shooting pain in the temple which was followed by a really dull, cloudy pain in my forehead. No matter what I took it wouldn't shift. I became moody, snappy and my temper was snapping at every little thing. I've suffered migraines before but these were like no other headaches I had ever had. They made me sleepy, my body ache and I didn't want to do anything, and I mean anything. 

Usually when I have a headache I would just brush it off but not this time. My anxiety took over the situation and I had convinced myself I had a brain tumour. I sat and researched the symptoms, looked into peoples stories and even posted on forums about it. I was convinced. Every night when I went to bed my thoughts would be racing, I'm dying, my times up and that's it for me. I was having panic attack after panic attack, I was out of control. 

During my CBT I have learned techniques on how to deal with panic (I've even posted on here about coping with it) but I couldn't focus my mind to come back to reality. The panic attacks were frequent, I was exhausted, convinced I was dying and feeling stupid because of the thoughts. I plucked up the courage to go to the Doctors, preparing myself for some life changing news. I was thinking that because my mum died of a brain tumour, I was next in line. 

I explained everything to the doctor, how I was feeling, my thoughts and the panic that I couldn't control. After doing some tests, he told me that I wasn't suffering from a tumour and that it was actually tension headaches, a very common thing for those suffering with depression/anxiety. He gave me some new medication, Amitriptyline. So off I popped. 

No matter what medication I take, I always Google it to see what I am taking. I found out that Amitriptyline is another anti-depressant, but is used for tension headaches. So then I got a little frantic looking into combinations of anti-depressants and how they affect you etc.. I then started to panic again, am I taking too much medication? What if I have a bad reaction?  Along came another wave of panic attacks. I just can't escape them.

Following looking at medicine combinations, I had now convinced myself that I was going to get Serotonin Sydrome (SS), a condition that develops when combining two medications that produce serotonin, but you produce too much, causing it to become toxic to the brain, which if it is severe, can kill you. Alongside this new medication I also had toothache (wisdom teeth) and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen. So I started to believe that if I take these medications together I would develop SS and that would be the end of me again, just like with the brain tumour.

Every night, as I got into bed, the same thing happened as it did with the brain tumour scenario, panic attack after panic attack, uncontrollable thoughts and a long sleepless night. My body was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I told myself that I can't go on like this, I need to try and get some control back. That brings me to yesterday. I had another Doctors appointment as well as a therapy session. Both my doctor and therapist have brought me back down to earth, just what I needed. I had a good nights sleep last night and feel better already.

I wanted to write this post to let others know that when suffering with anxiety, your body will be going into panic mode more often than not. My therapist told me that when suffering with anxiety you will get more aches and pains, they will stand out more than ever before and that it is perfectly normal to get the feelings of panic, with anything health related. She did also mention that if you are looking for something that's up with you, the chances are you will find something, cling to it and then make it worse in your head. I know I am guilty of that. So if you are feeling concious about anything health related, speak to your Doctor, get some clarification and put your mind at ease as quickly as possible, I waited a few days too long.

 Throughout all the episodes of the past week, I keep questioning my sanity, hence the title of the post. Does That Make Me Crazy? Well, in short the answer is NO! I'm now developing a new anxiety symptom, health anxiety, which I will be working on with my CB Therapist. Even though the past week or so have been very draining, I'm still here, I'm still healthy and have a lot to look forward to. I know there are going to be bumps in the road along the way, I know that I'm not going to feel 100% everyday and I most certainly know that I will control these thoughts eventually. Until then, life is still a panic!!

Understanding What Type of Anxiety you Have...

So I have not been feeling too well the past couple of days and missed out on writing this post yesterday as I was too ill. I've been having bad headaches for the past week or so, but yesterday was pretty bad. Having that day off made me think of my anxiety and what type I fall into! My anxiety has convinced me that I have a Brain Tumour (ridiculous I know, but it is all I can think about) so I wanted to do a post on different anxiety types and how they effect you.

Anxiety is a complicated feeling. Some people are absolutely crippled by it and don't leave the house, some can get on with everyday things and others mange to cope living with it but it still effects everyday life. Before suffering with anxiety myself, I just assumed that you were anxious and that was that, I never knew of all the different types, causes, symptoms and outcomes of having anxiety. So here is a run down of the main types of anxiety, you may suffer from just one or you might suffer them all, at least if you know what anxiety you have, you will be able to fight it - 

Panic Disorder - Panic Disorder is where you have regular panic attacks that can hit you at any time. These are often recurring and worsen with the severity of your condition. You may have just a couple of panic attacks a month or have several on a weekly basis. Everyone suffers a little anxiety from time to time, but with panic disorder the feelings of anxiety, stress and panic combine to cause you to enter panic mode regularly. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - OCD gets a lot of press. From TV shows that look into the lives of people suffering to daily news articles about the condition. It is very well known. For those of you that don't know, OCD is a condition that combines obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. The obsessive side is having unpleasant/unwanted thoughts that cause you anxiety and the compulsive side, is the repetitive behaviour to try and combat those obsessive thoughts. OCD, as with other anxieties, ranges from mild (spending an hour a day having obsessive compulsive thoughts) to severe (the condition taking over your life)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is caused by a particular event that has happened that you found frightening, very stressful or distressful. There are any causes to developing a PTSD and it can take weeks, months or even years after the event occurred for you to develop the symptoms. People suffering from PTSD often have flashbacks or relive the memories of the event in their minds. The symptoms of PTSD are severe and often take over your daily living, as the feelings of guilt, isolation and irritability take over. Suffering from this disorder often makes you emotionally numb. 

Social Anxiety Disorder - Social Anxiety is one of the most common anxiety disorders. It is the consistent fear of social situations or being around people. Social anxiety takes over your daily life and effects everyday tasks such as shopping, talking on the phone and socialising with friends. It often disrupts your quality of life and if a child suffers from it, it can effect their school life and learning. There are a wide variety of symptoms someone suffering social anxiety will suffer including the fear of being judge, ridiculed, embarrassing themselves and dreading everyday activities. People suffering from SAD will often just avoid the situations completely, which in some cases develops into agoraphobia, causing sufferers to rarely leave the house, if at all!

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) -GAD, covers a wide range of worries, situations and issues rather than a specific event. People who suffer from GAD tend to suffer over a long period of time, rather than having anxiety that comes and goes. Suffers are anxious constantly and rarely can remember the last time they felt relaxed or in control. There are a wide range of symptoms that come with GAD and these are both physical and mental. Each persons symptoms are different and vary from insomnia, feeling restless constantly and having trouble concentrating. There is not one particular cause of GAD but suffers often have a mixture of factors that play a role. 

Personally, after working with my therapist, she thinks that I suffer from several of these types of anxiety. Social, PTSD and Panic. We are working together on each individual type, to try and combat what I feel on a day to day basis. Most of these disorders are treated with CBT and in some cases, medication is used too. I would advise that if you think you suffer from any of these to speak with your Doctor and seek the best method of help for you. 

Understanding what type of anxiety you suffer is pivotal in fighting to get better and without an understanding of what is going on, it is hard to move forward. Do some research, check with other sufferers and try and push yourself into uncomfortable situations, to show yourself that it is just anxiety and you are not in danger. I know that it's easier said than done, believe me, I understand!!

Remember, without addressing your issue, you won't release yourself from the grip of suffering anxiety! You can do this!!

A.R Wilson x 

 

Help Is At Hand...

Hi Guys! I can't quite believe that I have had over 1000 views on the blog in just over a week, I didn't even expect to get 20 views!! I feel very humbled and want to thank everyone for their kind words, comments and for sharing your stories with me too.

Today in this Depression post, I want to write about the different avenues of help that are out there. When in your time of need, it can be quite confusing about where you need to turn to. Your mind is already clogged with thoughts that have driven you into depression, so the main thing you do is just try to get by, but there is help out there and when you get the the point where you feel you need it, take it and embrace it.

Below I have wrote where I have found help and a quick description of what I have found. What may work for me may not work for you, so try to have an open mind when approaching for help, and if you find that one doesn't work, move onto the next. Whatever way you need help, there will be an option for you, so don't fret if it takes a while to find the right avenue for you, it will take time!!

Online Groups - I wanted to put this first in the post as over the past few weeks I have seen first hand the support that is there for you. By simply typing Depression into social media platforms, you will find an array of groups that cater for your needs. Have a little look around each group before deciding which one to join, look at the posts the page has posted, the opinions others have shared and  how many people are in the group (You may want a small group with a few people in it or a group with thousands of comments, likes and shares, it's your preference.) You will find the people who have liked the group like to share their stories, experiences and inspirations. You can take a lot of comfort from other posts, seeing that you are not alone in what you are going through and even have someone share the exact same story as you. You can either be a background reader, just follow the posts, maybe comment on a few stories or even just sit back and take in all the shared experiences. Or, maybe you want to dive straight in, get your story out there and let people comment their thoughts and feelings back. I found diving straight in has helped me thoroughly, just having a few consoling words whenever I'm down really has helped me though some days. Each to their own is the case here, so if you do choose to look online, take your time and pick the right one for you .

Family/Friends - This one seems very obvious but can often be the one that your rule out. Now, maybe you rule it out due to embarrassment, maybe because you don't want them to know your deep, deep issues or maybe you just prefer other forms of help, whatever your choice, at least let one person close to you know, just for safety purposes. I personally ruled this one out at first, I was too ashamed to tell anyone close to me, I have always been the strong one and I didn't want to show any weakness. I can count the people that know about my depression one of my hands (minus my readers.)  When I first told people about my depression, they met me with a lot of understanding, a lot of compassion and generally a lot of help, which made me feel silly for bottling it up for so long. They are there for me to help me through my everyday battles. I turn to them when I'm feeling low and want to get everything off my chest. All your friends and family want you to be as well as you can be, although it is a long battle to combat, they want to pick you up when you are down, give you a ride to your appointment and give you the courage to take steps to get help. Even if you only tell one person close to you, make sure you do as a problem shared is a problem halved.

 Doctor/GP- This one I feel is very important. Although the two above are good for those general day to day struggles, your Dr or GP are medical professionals and you are suffering a medical illness!! I went almost 4 months before consulting my GP and have regretted not going sooner. Taking that first step through the door and admitting you might be mentally ill is one hell of a battle on its own, but you are never going to get better if you don't seek medical help. Your Dr/GP is there for you whatever your ailment, and will be there to support you in combating your depression. Whether you go for medicine to ward off the blues or just going for some information on the options available to you, they will have dealt with cases like yours almost on a daily basis and will give you the right treatment catered to you. Depending on how severe your case of depression is will depend on the route you take. You will be put in touch will Mental Health Organisations, you will be given numbers for charities/groups that can help when in your darkest hour or you can just deal with your Dr direct. Whatever option they give you, you can be sure that your medical records are fully updated with your depression status, just so that if anything does go wrong (touch wood it doesn't) they know exactly what you are going through.

Mental Health Charities/Groups/Organisations - In my local area, we have a crisis team that you can call whenever you are having an extremely bad day. I was given the number by my GP. I have not yet used the number, but I have found out all the relevant information that I need to know, so that if I do call, I know they can help. So say I was having a very low day where I wanted to commit suicide, although it may not be my first thought, I can call the crisis team and speak to them about what I am feeling, what I am going through and what help I need. They are trained professionals who deal with these calls daily, so they will know what to talk to you about and give you that nudge to help you in the right direction. Also my GP referred me to our local mental health group. With them, I went for two initial appointments to talk about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and my back story. They, as with my GP, gave me all the relevant information to help me get through but what was different is they assessed me throughout my appointments to see what type of professional help I needed, this is how I started my CBT. I will also be following up my CBT with some Anger Management, Grief Counselling and will be meeting with a support worker weekly, so that I'm not alone after my initial therapy is complete. Lastly, but no means least, Charities! Without some charities, medical advances in combating depression wouldn't have moved forward as fast. Depression Charities vary from country to country but, here in the UK, we have many various charities that can aid you in whatever way you need. They have all the tools and resources to help you along the way. They offer support both online and via the telephone, they offer support workers/groups that you can go see and their websites are like online encyclopedias to help you discover your issues in depth. I have found Samaritans to be very helpful, just having that understanding voice at the end of a phone ease your though a dark time is very comforting. Everything you do say is confidential too, so your not going to be passed from pillar to post!!

Other Help - I've touched upon the help that I have used in more detail but there are lots of various corners you can turn to during your battle that I haven't used, that others have recommended me to. So here is a quick list of other sources you can utilise -

Books - Find comfort in reading up on your condition, read victory stories of those 
who have battled depression and learn of techniques to fight off your demons.

Self Help Guides - Many authors have published guides/articles about the positives of self help in battling depression. Maybe rent one from your library or have a gander at an 
online self help article.

Changes to Your Life - I have read a lot online that small changes to the way you live can combat your illness.Taking a more healthy approach
 to your diet, regular exercise and undertaking relaxation training can all help. 

E-Therapies - These can be used if you don't want to speak face to face with anyone. Some say that these online therapies are just as effective as working with a CB Therapist. These online therapies help you to understand how your mind is working and show you steps of
 how to make behavioural changes.


The whole point of this posting was to show you that even at times when you are alone, there is a wide variety of resources and help available to you, no matter how little/severe depression has effected you, how social/shy you are or how badly you need the help. It just takes that one step to admit you need the help before these doors open for you. To anyone who has read this and has not sought help, please do so, you won't regret it! And to those who have sought the help and are moving forward, congrats!! We can do this together.

AR Wilson x