Saturday 31 May 2014

Your friends are the family you choose....

Being the first post about Gay Culture, I'd like to start with sharing my experiences and how being gay has effected my life as a whole. This post will be straight to the point and quite a quick post. The posts following this I will dive into the topics of marriage, adoption etc.. For now though here is my experience...

I came out just after my mum died, around the age of 15/16, one of my only regrets I have is not telling my mum I was gay but I'm sure she knew, well I hope anyway. Coming out was fairly easy for me, my school mates were fine, other people in my year had struggled with bullying but I managed to avoid that. I still was welcomed on the school football team, obviously there were a few jokes among the lads, but I took it as banter.

It seemed like everyone around me accepted the fact I was gay, except for my step-dad, he just couldn't accept it. We had very heated arguments, I was aloud previous girlfriends round but not boys and he wouldn't open up conversations about my sexuality. A few months after coming out, we had a heated argument on the phone where he told me he was going to come home and fight me. Before he had the chance, I packed my bags and moved to my friends. All the the age of 15/16. I felt like I couldn't live with the man who promised me so much when my mum died, but never lived through the promises. 
The next year flew by, I moved back to Scotland with my dad. My dad was the one person I never thought would except I was gay but he was the opposite. He rang me one night asking me to tell him my secret, I laughed, and he just said I should have just told him and that he loved me for who I am. My dad has been in and out of jail, he's a big burly mans man and for him to say that to me, it gave me hope.
Things never worked out in Scotland, I moved back to Leeds within a few months and started life all over again. I was 17, in a big city, alone and didn't know where to turn. I met a boyfriend then, Kevin, a drag queen who worked on the gay scene, we raised a few eyebrows as I was 17 and he was 27 but, we lasted a couple of years.
 
Being with Kevin opened my eyes to the whole gay scene, the accepting nature, the warm family like feel and the seemingly happiness of everyone there. It wasn't till I turned 19 I realised the dark side. The seedy, drug filled, bitchy, nasty scene that I had been so oblivious to... But the friends I made there, some are like family, hence the title.

My drug problems started on the gay scene, but that's a whole other story! I met a partner in the gay club I worked for, I was with him for 3-4 years, we separated, but are still really close. Today, I'm single, feeling increasingly lonely, the place where I live doesn't have any gay bars, I haven't met any gay people and don't have any gay friends.

I have kept this short and straight to the point, missing out details as I want to post about the gay scene in more detail, about other issues I've come across as a gay man and obviously, as mentioned, the subject of marriage, adoption and more. 

A.R. Wilson x

Friday 30 May 2014

That Anxious Feeling...

Anxiety
noun
1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

If only how I felt could be described in two simple sentences, if only I could let my mind know that it's all in my head and if only my body didn't react as it did to every worrying situation/moment/thought I had!! If only....

This is the first post I in the anxiety section of the blog. Something that is fairly new to me and my body, something I wish I could click my fingers and it disappear and something that I wish my friends and family understood more.

I've always had that nervous feeling, you know when you walk past a group of chavs? a group of lads? or entering a new workplace for the first time? I've always been on top of my nerves, never struggled and always been highly confident in what I do and say (I'm quite opinionated) Every job interview I've been to I've always got the job but now my body and mind can't cope with any of this, even simple little tasks.

My anxiety started back in June/July last year when I was given a promotion at work to run my own mini team, I was ecstatic, loved the job, loved my colleagues and always wanted to run my own team for as long as I can remember. When I undertook the role, that's when the nervous feeling started to overtake my rational mind, I was scared of being late for work, scared of having to be the bad guy, scared of messing up at somepoint and scared of being shown up by one of my team (I was in sales)

Being the only gay guy in the office obviously came with the fun and jibes, "gay Ross" "only gay in the office" "backs against the wall" that sort of stuff I always brushed off as a joke, but the more I think of it the more I think it started to take its toll. I was always up for a laugh but the more time I spent with my work colleagues the more I became nervous of a joke, a bit of office gossip or just conversation in general. I started to dwindle, taking time off, missing meetings and not meeting targets. That's when the pressure kicked in real bad and I started to crumble.

It was one silly night out with the Director of the company that ultimately last me my job. After a few drinks, we sat up all night snorting copious amounts of amphetamine. Me, being the team leader, had to turn up for work, no sleep, eyes like a deer in the headlights and shaking like a leaf. My manager chuckled, sent me home and said come back in tomorrow. I got home, chest was pounding, palpitating, so I ended up in an ambulance. That's really when my job ended, I was off sick for a month after that, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and I just couldn't bring myself to get back into the job. I got sacked around the start of October!

From there on in I've become a shell of the person I once was. I suffer severe panic attacks almost on a daily basis, I leave the house maybe once a week, twice at a push and I am in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I've lost all my friends (I moved to where I live knowing no-one and my workmates were my only friends) and have done maybe one or two social activities since October. I've lost every once of confidence I have and I just can't seem to shake things off.

I've been to four sessions of CB Therapy (Cognitive Behavior) and we have only just, in my last session, covered my full past history, so now hopefully the therapy can get into full swing. So far we have touched upon PTSD and Social Anxiety being what I have. Over the next few posts I'll go into what my therapist thinks is the root of my anxiety (partly me being mugged in May last year and partly the domestic abuse I witnessed as a child)

I'm currently on medication to combat my anxiety, the highest dosage of the medicine I'm on, and have felt no effect from what I am taking. I will blog about the medication later on this blog.

For now, I want to leave on this note, at the moment I can see no way out of my anxiety disorder, it has consumed me both mentally and physically. Along with my depression, I'm no longer the person I was and in the future I know I will never be the person I once was. I do have hope though, and that's what is keeping me going... 

Let's Start With My Battle With Depression....

So this is the first actual post I'm doing about my story. I wanted to start with Depression as this is the longest and probably the hardest battle I am facing at the moment. 

I think my depression really started around when I was 15 when my mum passed away, the feeling of not belonging, the empty feeling in my stomach each day and the pain it caused me thinking about never getting to see her again, at such a young age was hard to come to terms with. 

I went through a few years before I even contemplated I was depressed, in fact I was only diagnosed with depression February this year! Now a lot of you will be thinking surely you must have known you were depressed?? Well in all honesty I never. I was young, naive and bottled all my feelings up for years, I was always the "strong one" out of my friend group or the "leader" of the household. I had a lot on my shoulders and never took the time to look into how I was feeling and just shrugged it off and carried on.

It got to a point in October last year, after all the drugs I had taken, the change of lifestyle I had, the moving away to get myself right and losing my job that I finally saw the cracks in my character that I had plastered over for so many years. I mean, to go 7 years without much help, and the responsibilities I had, I was bound to crack at some point, and that started then.

I slowly started to think of my life as a whole! Where I was at? What I had done? Why did I get dealt these cards to deal with? Why did everyone else my age have a care free life? It just all started to add up, the bad choices I had made, the struggles I had faced and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks. The only support I have is one friend and my brother, who I love with all my heart and if I had to lose them, then I don't know where I would go or what I would do. 

I went on a downward spiral, started not leaving the house, constantly had horrible thoughts rushing round my head and just gave up on life. I thought to myself I've tried so hard for so long, I just can't do it anymore. Christmas last year was one of the lowest points I have had, everytime an advert came on showing a happy family, everytime I looked over at the tree and saw very little underneath it and everytime I was out and about seeing people happy it made me hate myself and my life even more. I wanted to kill myself. 

Over that period I had many suicidal thoughts, but I couldn't even contemplate leaving my younger brother to fend for himself, what kind of person would that make me? This is when the self harming kicked in. Everytime I felt any pain, I take the razor out and go at my legs like gardener trimming a hedge, cutting till I could cut no more, it was the only way, I felt, to control the suicidal thoughts. 

After a few months I finally plucked up the courage to go see my GP. I explained everything that had gone on, my past, my present and what I viewed to be my future. This was in February. I was given support numbers, medication to help with the anxiety and was being referred to the mental health team. I finally thought that my life would get back on track....

It's now the end of May, I still self harm near enough every week, the pain won't go, I can't face the day most days and barely leave the house due to my anxiety. The medication I feel isn't working at the moment (even though I'm on the highest possible dose.) My mind is still constantly racing with thoughts about how worthless I feel, about how my life doesn't feel complete and that it's just a waste. I currently am undergoing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I have had 4 sessions, where we have just only covered my back story leading up to this point.  The only positive spin I can put on things at the moment is I know I will get better eventually, it's just frustrating having to battle each day when I feel I can't battle anymore. 

This is why I am writing this blog. I want to share my thoughts and feelings throughout my journey here, in the hope that someone out there is feeling the same as I do or has had the same experiences I have had. Here's to hoping....!


  

Thursday 29 May 2014

My Experiences & Blog Structure...

I want to touch upon why I feel I need to talk about the subjects in this blog, give a brief description on my experiences of the subjects and how my structure will form when posting. 

So your probably wondering what qualifies me to speak about the subjects on the blog and why I have chosen these issues. Now as I have mentioned I am no writer, nor am I a medical professional but I always find it better to share experiences with others in the hope they can share with me so I know I'm not alone or what I am feeling is unnatural, so here is a brief run down of each of the topics and why I am approaching them on this blog -

Depression - Most people at some point will feel low, depressed or have to deal with depression in some way or another. I currently am suffering with severe depression, I feel like life can't go on somedays, I self harm, I cry, I lock myself away and hate having to deal with the struggles of everyday life. This stems from the past issues I've had to deal with, the issues I'm dealing with now and what I think lays ahead for me in the future. I'm currently on medication for my depression, I go to a therapist once a week and will be seeing other councillors in the coming months to help me get over what I'm feeling. I want to include this on here as it is an everyday occurrence for some people and I want them to know they are not alone, that is why I would like to include the sharing stories aspect of this blog. Depression topics will be written and posted about on a Monday and on a Friday.

Anxiety - Anxiety is something that is fairly new to me, obviously everyone feels anxious at some point whether its general everyday worries or severe anxiety for your particular fear. For me, personally, my anxiety is the fear of people, being judged, possibly attacked, ganged up on and rejected. This has stopped my social life in its tracks, I barely leave the house (once or twice a week) as I'm constantly feeling that people are looking at me and judging me, or if I walk past a group of people they will attack me. I feel I need to address this as I'm currently going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help me deal with my anxiety woes. Panic attacks are frequent, lack of sleep every night and thoughts of worry are constantly racing through my mind. Anxiety topics will be written and posted on a Tuesday and on a Friday.

Death - 7 years ago my mum passed away, when I was only 15, about to do my GCSEs. I wanted to include this subject as 7 years on I am still not over what has happened, I feel jealous, angry, hurt, upset a full rollercoaster of emotions everyday. I feel what's happened is unfair to me. Every little thing reminds me of my mum and moving forward is hard without having the support (I do have family, but will touch on that in another post) I know that everyone will lose their parents someday, and I included this on here so I could be frank with my emotions, to let people know about the thoughts that go through your head when dealing with death. I also want people to share their experiences with me, so I know I'm not alone. Death topics will be posted on a Wednesday.

Drugs - From the age of 15/16 I have dabbled with drugs, as mentioned before from Legal Highs to Class A drugs. I was addicted to Mephedrone (M-Cat, Meow Meow) for 3 years of my life. I consumed all my money, I lost friends, was classified as homeless (although not living on the street) and changed my appearance and body. I was taking this drug 5 or 6 nights a week, only eating once or twice a week and not really living a normal life. I have also dabbled in Ketamine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, MDMA, Pills, Weed, GHB on a regular basis. I have been clean from drugs for 2 years (besides weed that's 3 months) and would like to share my experiences of how it has effected me and also get to know your experiences with drugs. Drug topics will be posted on a Thursday.

Gay Culture - Being a gay man myself, I thought I would write about this topic as it is very current and has a lot of press, some good, some bad. I worked on the gay scene for a few years, dated people on the gay scene and practically lived on the gay scene so I know first hand how good, nasty, exciting and bitchy it can be. I'd like to share my experiences of how being gay has changed my life, what I took from the gay scene and how it all has effected me. I also what to talk about topics such as gay marriage, adoption and life, debate the issue as I know many people have conflicting arguements for and against and I'm interested to hear them all. Gay Culture topics will be posted on a Saturday.

I hope this gives you a little more understanding into why I have chosen these particular topics to address. I feel I have a wide range of thoughts, feelings and experiences on each of the issues to really make this blog work and get it to where I would like it to be. 
Tomorrow will be the first day where I am going to start telling my story, starting with Depression and Anxiety. 

A.R. Wilson x

   

Intoduction to the Blog....

Hi All, 

So here goes my first post on this blog!! I have high ambitions of where I want this blog to go, so I do hope that I can fulfill them and possibly help even just one person. 

Firstly, I would just like to start off by saying that the majority of the postings I do to start will be about my background story in these particular topics. I am not a professional writer (so excuse if my punctuation is a little out or there are misspellings here or there), nor am I a medical professional so most of what I write will come from the heart and my mind. I feel very passionately about starting this blog up and I hope to reach out to people who are or have suffered similar experiences to myself in all or even just one of the topics. 

I'm not going to bombard you with all my story at once, when I cover a particular topic I will speak about the background of my experiences and gradually you will start to see the story of what I call my life forming. Having looked online I can see that there are other sites that include help, advice and experiences of the topics I am going to be talking about. I have though seen that not every topic is covered on the same site and you may have to do a bit of searching to find the relation, this is why I am covering all the topics here, in one place, kind of like a hub for people to visit and share their experiences too! I find that most of the issues I'm going to talk about cross over, like depression and drug use or gay culture and anxiety, at least in my experiences anyway. 

So what do I want to get from this blog? Well, on each individual page I have included what I hope to post, get from the page and happen to move the pages forward. I would like the blog to be a hub of information really. A place where people can come to visit if they what to share their experience. A place where you can read of first hand experiences in a particular topic or all of the topics if you have lived as I have. I hope to speak with the professionals associated with each topic and get their views on how they have seen the effects of depression for example. Ultimately, this blog is designed to show that no matter what angle your life is at at the moment there are people who are going through what you are, there are people who have come out the other side strong and that suffering with one or more of these issues is not the end of the world, there will always be a helping hand to life you up or give you that smack on the bum to get you moving. 

I'm going to wrap this first post up now, I don't want to babble on, I will post about briefly about my experiences in my next post and the structure of how the blog will work (the days which I will post what.) I have set up a twitter account which you can follow, this will keep you up to date with the latest news, posts and just general light hearted posts - @ARWilsonFYM

A.R.Wilson x