Does That Make Me Crazy..?

Hi Everyone!! It's been a little while since I've wrote on here, those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook and G+ know that I've not been feeling too good the past week or so, that's why I haven't written. I've decided that I'm going to change the structure of the blog a little, updating every two days rather than everyday. I will still be doing the same topics, just on alternate days :) 

Today I wanted to talk about my anxiety a little more, and how the past week has been very, very hard for me. Now if you have read my previous posts you will know that I currently suffer with three different forms of anxiety, PTSD, Social and Panic Disorder, but this week has been a whole different ball game for me, so here goes!

I started to get really bad headaches about a week ago, a slow shooting pain in the temple which was followed by a really dull, cloudy pain in my forehead. No matter what I took it wouldn't shift. I became moody, snappy and my temper was snapping at every little thing. I've suffered migraines before but these were like no other headaches I had ever had. They made me sleepy, my body ache and I didn't want to do anything, and I mean anything. 

Usually when I have a headache I would just brush it off but not this time. My anxiety took over the situation and I had convinced myself I had a brain tumour. I sat and researched the symptoms, looked into peoples stories and even posted on forums about it. I was convinced. Every night when I went to bed my thoughts would be racing, I'm dying, my times up and that's it for me. I was having panic attack after panic attack, I was out of control. 

During my CBT I have learned techniques on how to deal with panic (I've even posted on here about coping with it) but I couldn't focus my mind to come back to reality. The panic attacks were frequent, I was exhausted, convinced I was dying and feeling stupid because of the thoughts. I plucked up the courage to go to the Doctors, preparing myself for some life changing news. I was thinking that because my mum died of a brain tumour, I was next in line. 

I explained everything to the doctor, how I was feeling, my thoughts and the panic that I couldn't control. After doing some tests, he told me that I wasn't suffering from a tumour and that it was actually tension headaches, a very common thing for those suffering with depression/anxiety. He gave me some new medication, Amitriptyline. So off I popped. 

No matter what medication I take, I always Google it to see what I am taking. I found out that Amitriptyline is another anti-depressant, but is used for tension headaches. So then I got a little frantic looking into combinations of anti-depressants and how they affect you etc.. I then started to panic again, am I taking too much medication? What if I have a bad reaction?  Along came another wave of panic attacks. I just can't escape them.

Following looking at medicine combinations, I had now convinced myself that I was going to get Serotonin Sydrome (SS), a condition that develops when combining two medications that produce serotonin, but you produce too much, causing it to become toxic to the brain, which if it is severe, can kill you. Alongside this new medication I also had toothache (wisdom teeth) and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen. So I started to believe that if I take these medications together I would develop SS and that would be the end of me again, just like with the brain tumour.

Every night, as I got into bed, the same thing happened as it did with the brain tumour scenario, panic attack after panic attack, uncontrollable thoughts and a long sleepless night. My body was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I told myself that I can't go on like this, I need to try and get some control back. That brings me to yesterday. I had another Doctors appointment as well as a therapy session. Both my doctor and therapist have brought me back down to earth, just what I needed. I had a good nights sleep last night and feel better already.

I wanted to write this post to let others know that when suffering with anxiety, your body will be going into panic mode more often than not. My therapist told me that when suffering with anxiety you will get more aches and pains, they will stand out more than ever before and that it is perfectly normal to get the feelings of panic, with anything health related. She did also mention that if you are looking for something that's up with you, the chances are you will find something, cling to it and then make it worse in your head. I know I am guilty of that. So if you are feeling concious about anything health related, speak to your Doctor, get some clarification and put your mind at ease as quickly as possible, I waited a few days too long.

 Throughout all the episodes of the past week, I keep questioning my sanity, hence the title of the post. Does That Make Me Crazy? Well, in short the answer is NO! I'm now developing a new anxiety symptom, health anxiety, which I will be working on with my CB Therapist. Even though the past week or so have been very draining, I'm still here, I'm still healthy and have a lot to look forward to. I know there are going to be bumps in the road along the way, I know that I'm not going to feel 100% everyday and I most certainly know that I will control these thoughts eventually. Until then, life is still a panic!!

Understanding What Type of Anxiety you Have...

So I have not been feeling too well the past couple of days and missed out on writing this post yesterday as I was too ill. I've been having bad headaches for the past week or so, but yesterday was pretty bad. Having that day off made me think of my anxiety and what type I fall into! My anxiety has convinced me that I have a Brain Tumour (ridiculous I know, but it is all I can think about) so I wanted to do a post on different anxiety types and how they effect you.

Anxiety is a complicated feeling. Some people are absolutely crippled by it and don't leave the house, some can get on with everyday things and others mange to cope living with it but it still effects everyday life. Before suffering with anxiety myself, I just assumed that you were anxious and that was that, I never knew of all the different types, causes, symptoms and outcomes of having anxiety. So here is a run down of the main types of anxiety, you may suffer from just one or you might suffer them all, at least if you know what anxiety you have, you will be able to fight it - 

Panic Disorder - Panic Disorder is where you have regular panic attacks that can hit you at any time. These are often recurring and worsen with the severity of your condition. You may have just a couple of panic attacks a month or have several on a weekly basis. Everyone suffers a little anxiety from time to time, but with panic disorder the feelings of anxiety, stress and panic combine to cause you to enter panic mode regularly. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - OCD gets a lot of press. From TV shows that look into the lives of people suffering to daily news articles about the condition. It is very well known. For those of you that don't know, OCD is a condition that combines obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. The obsessive side is having unpleasant/unwanted thoughts that cause you anxiety and the compulsive side, is the repetitive behaviour to try and combat those obsessive thoughts. OCD, as with other anxieties, ranges from mild (spending an hour a day having obsessive compulsive thoughts) to severe (the condition taking over your life)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is caused by a particular event that has happened that you found frightening, very stressful or distressful. There are any causes to developing a PTSD and it can take weeks, months or even years after the event occurred for you to develop the symptoms. People suffering from PTSD often have flashbacks or relive the memories of the event in their minds. The symptoms of PTSD are severe and often take over your daily living, as the feelings of guilt, isolation and irritability take over. Suffering from this disorder often makes you emotionally numb. 

Social Anxiety Disorder - Social Anxiety is one of the most common anxiety disorders. It is the consistent fear of social situations or being around people. Social anxiety takes over your daily life and effects everyday tasks such as shopping, talking on the phone and socialising with friends. It often disrupts your quality of life and if a child suffers from it, it can effect their school life and learning. There are a wide variety of symptoms someone suffering social anxiety will suffer including the fear of being judge, ridiculed, embarrassing themselves and dreading everyday activities. People suffering from SAD will often just avoid the situations completely, which in some cases develops into agoraphobia, causing sufferers to rarely leave the house, if at all!

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) -GAD, covers a wide range of worries, situations and issues rather than a specific event. People who suffer from GAD tend to suffer over a long period of time, rather than having anxiety that comes and goes. Suffers are anxious constantly and rarely can remember the last time they felt relaxed or in control. There are a wide range of symptoms that come with GAD and these are both physical and mental. Each persons symptoms are different and vary from insomnia, feeling restless constantly and having trouble concentrating. There is not one particular cause of GAD but suffers often have a mixture of factors that play a role. 

Personally, after working with my therapist, she thinks that I suffer from several of these types of anxiety. Social, PTSD and Panic. We are working together on each individual type, to try and combat what I feel on a day to day basis. Most of these disorders are treated with CBT and in some cases, medication is used too. I would advise that if you think you suffer from any of these to speak with your Doctor and seek the best method of help for you. 

Understanding what type of anxiety you suffer is pivotal in fighting to get better and without an understanding of what is going on, it is hard to move forward. Do some research, check with other sufferers and try and push yourself into uncomfortable situations, to show yourself that it is just anxiety and you are not in danger. I know that it's easier said than done, believe me, I understand!!

Remember, without addressing your issue, you won't release yourself from the grip of suffering anxiety! You can do this!!

A.R Wilson x 

 

Ten Rules When Coping With Panic...

Before pushing that panic button,  here are ten rules for coping with panic!!

1. Remember panic feelings are only normal reactions but exaggerated
2. They are not harmful and nothing worse will happen
3. Notice what is happening in your body, stay with the present, slow down, relax but keep going
4. Thinking about what might happen is unhelpful. Only now matters
5. Accept the anxious feelings. Let them run through you and they will disappear quicker
6. Monitor your anxiety levels 10 (worst) - 0 (least) and watch them go down.
7. Stay in the situation. If you avoid it, it will become difficult in the future
8. Take a few slow deep breaths
9. Consciously relax your tense muscles. Feel yourself relaxing.
10. Now concentrate again on what you were doing before the panic set in.

Panic! Panic! Panic!!

So as with the Depression side of the blog, I want to keep Friday for the updates on my anxiety story too! That means Tuesdays will be used to give general info, quotes, stories etc on anxiety. 

Today, I'd like to touch upon understanding Panic Attacks in more detail, I learned most of this from my CB Therapist. 

Firstly, have a look at this chart, my therapist went over this with me when I was having a panic attack after a shopping trip the other day. It's simple, but effective -

I want to go over this in more detail - picture the scenario, I was shopping, alone, warm and sweaty. I felt like people were staring at me, talking about me and knew that something was up with me. I started to panic, felt a panic attack coming on and wanted to get out!! Lets delve a little deeper into my - 

THOUGHTS

• Everyone watching/staring
• I must smell
• People will think I'm a fat, smelly, lazy bastard
• I'll have a panic attack
• I'll be out of control
• I won't be able to get home

As I started to whip myself into a panic, my thoughts started becoming more irrational, the negativity creeped in, the intrusive nature peeked and other symptoms followed.

MOOD/EMOTIONS

•   Anxious
• Low
• Panic

 As my thoughts were racing my mood went from being normal, to going extremely low, extremely fast. I became panicky and anxious all of a sudden.

BEHAVIOUR

• Rushed along
• Escape
• Seek reassurance 
• Checked armpits for sweat
• Pulled shirt down
• Breathing control 

As my emotions and thoughts started to worsen, my behaviour started to become irrational too. I kept checking my armpits to see if I was sweating too much, I became paranoid that my back was getting too sweaty so kept pulling my shirt down, I started to breath heavier and faster. All stemming from my thought process.

PHYSICAL

•  Sweaty
• Heart racing
• Warm
• Fast breathing 

Obviously because of the above three combined, I started to sweat more, my heart did start to beat faster, I did become warmer and my breathing did become more irregular.

I'm talking you through this as I want you to get an understanding of how your body is working when in panic. Thoughts, Emotions, Behaviour and Physicality all combine to make your body think you are in a panic situation, when in reality you are not. 

Let's try another situation....Think of your favourite food? Mine is steak. Now spend a few seconds thinking about eating that food. Your mouth is watering, right? Well that's because your brain is preparing your body for that meal, when in reality you won't be eating that meal. This works the same for panic, your brain is telling your body that you are in a dangerous situation, fight or flight, when in reality you are not. That is what induces the panic attack. 

I will go further into panic attacks later on in the blog, for now this is just a little introduction to knowing what your body is going through. I believe that that will help to cure me of my panic attacks in the long run.

REMEMBER - Panic attacks are not harmful!!! They are unpleasant but not dangerous!!!

That Anxious Feeling...

Anxiety

noun

1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

If only how I felt could be described in two simple sentences, if only I could let my mind know that it's all in my head and if only my body didn't react as it did to every worrying situation/moment/thought I had!! If only....

This is the first post I in the anxiety section of the blog. Something that is fairly new to me and my body, something I wish I could click my fingers and it disappear and something that I wish my friends and family understood more.

I've always had that nervous feeling, you know when you walk past a group of chavs? a group of lads? or entering a new workplace for the first time? I've always been on top of my nerves, never struggled and always been highly confident in what I do and say (I'm quite opinionated) Every job interview I've been to I've always got the job but now my body and mind can't cope with any of this, even simple little tasks.

My anxiety started back in June/July last year when I was given a promotion at work to run my own mini team, I was ecstatic, loved the job, loved my colleagues and always wanted to run my own team for as long as I can remember. When I undertook the role, that's when the nervous feeling started to overtake my rational mind, I was scared of being late for work, scared of having to be the bad guy, scared of messing up at somepoint and scared of being shown up by one of my team (I was in sales)

Being the only gay guy in the office obviously came with the fun and jibes, "gay Ross" "only gay in the office" "backs against the wall" that sort of stuff I always brushed off as a joke, but the more I think of it the more I think it started to take its toll. I was always up for a laugh but the more time I spent with my work colleagues the more I became nervous of a joke, a bit of office gossip or just conversation in general. I started to dwindle, taking time off, missing meetings and not meeting targets. That's when the pressure kicked in real bad and I started to crumble.

It was one silly night out with the Director of the company that ultimately last me my job. After a few drinks, we sat up all night snorting copious amounts of amphetamine. Me, being the team leader, had to turn up for work, no sleep, eyes like a deer in the headlights and shaking like a leaf. My manager chuckled, sent me home and said come back in tomorrow. I got home, chest was pounding, palpitating, so I ended up in an ambulance. That's really when my job ended, I was off sick for a month after that, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and I just couldn't bring myself to get back into the job. I got sacked around the start of October!

From there on in I've become a shell of the person I once was. I suffer severe panic attacks almost on a daily basis, I leave the house maybe once a week, twice at a push and I am in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I've lost all my friends (I moved to where I live knowing no-one and my workmates were my only friends) and have done maybe one or two social activities since October. I've lost every once of confidence I have and I just can't seem to shake things off.

I've been to four sessions of CB Therapy (Cognitive Behavior) and we have only just, in my last session, covered my full past history, so now hopefully the therapy can get into full swing. So far we have touched upon PTSD and Social Anxiety being what I have. Over the next few posts I'll go into what my therapist thinks is the root of my anxiety (partly me being mugged in May last year and partly the domestic abuse I witnessed as a child)

I'm currently on medication to combat my anxiety, the highest dosage of the medicine I'm on, and have felt no effect from what I am taking. I will blog about the medication later on this blog.

For now, I want to leave on this note, at the moment I can see no way out of my anxiety disorder, it has consumed me both mentally and physically. Along with my depression, I'm no longer the person I was and in the future I know I will never be the person I once was. I do have hope though, and that's what is keeping me going... 

My Experiences & Blog Structure...

I want to touch upon why I feel I need to talk about the subjects in this blog, give a brief description on my experiences of the subjects and how my structure will form when posting. 

So your probably wondering what qualifies me to speak about the subjects on the blog and why I have chosen these issues. Now as I have mentioned I am no writer, nor am I a medical professional but I always find it better to share experiences with others in the hope they can share with me so I know I'm not alone or what I am feeling is unnatural, so here is a brief run down of each of the topics and why I am approaching them on this blog -

Depression - Most people at some point will feel low, depressed or have to deal with depression in some way or another. I currently am suffering with severe depression, I feel like life can't go on somedays, I self harm, I cry, I lock myself away and hate having to deal with the struggles of everyday life. This stems from the past issues I've had to deal with, the issues I'm dealing with now and what I think lays ahead for me in the future. I'm currently on medication for my depression, I go to a therapist once a week and will be seeing other councillors in the coming months to help me get over what I'm feeling. I want to include this on here as it is an everyday occurrence for some people and I want them to know they are not alone, that is why I would like to include the sharing stories aspect of this blog. Depression topics will be written and posted about on a Monday and on a Friday.

Anxiety - Anxiety is something that is fairly new to me, obviously everyone feels anxious at some point whether its general everyday worries or severe anxiety for your particular fear. For me, personally, my anxiety is the fear of people, being judged, possibly attacked, ganged up on and rejected. This has stopped my social life in its tracks, I barely leave the house (once or twice a week) as I'm constantly feeling that people are looking at me and judging me, or if I walk past a group of people they will attack me. I feel I need to address this as I'm currently going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help me deal with my anxiety woes. Panic attacks are frequent, lack of sleep every night and thoughts of worry are constantly racing through my mind. Anxiety topics will be written and posted on a Tuesday and on a Friday.

Death - 7 years ago my mum passed away, when I was only 15, about to do my GCSEs. I wanted to include this subject as 7 years on I am still not over what has happened, I feel jealous, angry, hurt, upset a full rollercoaster of emotions everyday. I feel what's happened is unfair to me. Every little thing reminds me of my mum and moving forward is hard without having the support (I do have family, but will touch on that in another post) I know that everyone will lose their parents someday, and I included this on here so I could be frank with my emotions, to let people know about the thoughts that go through your head when dealing with death. I also want people to share their experiences with me, so I know I'm not alone. Death topics will be posted on a Wednesday.

Drugs - From the age of 15/16 I have dabbled with drugs, as mentioned before from Legal Highs to Class A drugs. I was addicted to Mephedrone (M-Cat, Meow Meow) for 3 years of my life. I consumed all my money, I lost friends, was classified as homeless (although not living on the street) and changed my appearance and body. I was taking this drug 5 or 6 nights a week, only eating once or twice a week and not really living a normal life. I have also dabbled in Ketamine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, MDMA, Pills, Weed, GHB on a regular basis. I have been clean from drugs for 2 years (besides weed that's 3 months) and would like to share my experiences of how it has effected me and also get to know your experiences with drugs. Drug topics will be posted on a Thursday.

Gay Culture - Being a gay man myself, I thought I would write about this topic as it is very current and has a lot of press, some good, some bad. I worked on the gay scene for a few years, dated people on the gay scene and practically lived on the gay scene so I know first hand how good, nasty, exciting and bitchy it can be. I'd like to share my experiences of how being gay has changed my life, what I took from the gay scene and how it all has effected me. I also what to talk about topics such as gay marriage, adoption and life, debate the issue as I know many people have conflicting arguements for and against and I'm interested to hear them all. Gay Culture topics will be posted on a Saturday.

I hope this gives you a little more understanding into why I have chosen these particular topics to address. I feel I have a wide range of thoughts, feelings and experiences on each of the issues to really make this blog work and get it to where I would like it to be. 

Tomorrow will be the first day where I am going to start telling my story, starting with Depression and Anxiety. 

A.R. Wilson x

   

Intoduction to the Blog....

Hi All, 

So here goes my first post on this blog!! I have high ambitions of where I want this blog to go, so I do hope that I can fulfill them and possibly help even just one person. 

Firstly, I would just like to start off by saying that the majority of the postings I do to start will be about my background story in these particular topics. I am not a professional writer (so excuse if my punctuation is a little out or there are misspellings here or there), nor am I a medical professional so most of what I write will come from the heart and my mind. I feel very passionately about starting this blog up and I hope to reach out to people who are or have suffered similar experiences to myself in all or even just one of the topics. 

I'm not going to bombard you with all my story at once, when I cover a particular topic I will speak about the background of my experiences and gradually you will start to see the story of what I call my life forming. Having looked online I can see that there are other sites that include help, advice and experiences of the topics I am going to be talking about. I have though seen that not every topic is covered on the same site and you may have to do a bit of searching to find the relation, this is why I am covering all the topics here, in one place, kind of like a hub for people to visit and share their experiences too! I find that most of the issues I'm going to talk about cross over, like depression and drug use or gay culture and anxiety, at least in my experiences anyway. 

So what do I want to get from this blog? Well, on each individual page I have included what I hope to post, get from the page and happen to move the pages forward. I would like the blog to be a hub of information really. A place where people can come to visit if they what to share their experience. A place where you can read of first hand experiences in a particular topic or all of the topics if you have lived as I have. I hope to speak with the professionals associated with each topic and get their views on how they have seen the effects of depression for example. Ultimately, this blog is designed to show that no matter what angle your life is at at the moment there are people who are going through what you are, there are people who have come out the other side strong and that suffering with one or more of these issues is not the end of the world, there will always be a helping hand to life you up or give you that smack on the bum to get you moving. 

I'm going to wrap this first post up now, I don't want to babble on, I will post about briefly about my experiences in my next post and the structure of how the blog will work (the days which I will post what.) I have set up a twitter account which you can follow, this will keep you up to date with the latest news, posts and just general light hearted posts - @ARWilsonFYM

A.R.Wilson x