Does That Make Me Crazy..?

Hi Everyone!! It's been a little while since I've wrote on here, those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook and G+ know that I've not been feeling too good the past week or so, that's why I haven't written. I've decided that I'm going to change the structure of the blog a little, updating every two days rather than everyday. I will still be doing the same topics, just on alternate days :) 

Today I wanted to talk about my anxiety a little more, and how the past week has been very, very hard for me. Now if you have read my previous posts you will know that I currently suffer with three different forms of anxiety, PTSD, Social and Panic Disorder, but this week has been a whole different ball game for me, so here goes!

I started to get really bad headaches about a week ago, a slow shooting pain in the temple which was followed by a really dull, cloudy pain in my forehead. No matter what I took it wouldn't shift. I became moody, snappy and my temper was snapping at every little thing. I've suffered migraines before but these were like no other headaches I had ever had. They made me sleepy, my body ache and I didn't want to do anything, and I mean anything. 

Usually when I have a headache I would just brush it off but not this time. My anxiety took over the situation and I had convinced myself I had a brain tumour. I sat and researched the symptoms, looked into peoples stories and even posted on forums about it. I was convinced. Every night when I went to bed my thoughts would be racing, I'm dying, my times up and that's it for me. I was having panic attack after panic attack, I was out of control. 

During my CBT I have learned techniques on how to deal with panic (I've even posted on here about coping with it) but I couldn't focus my mind to come back to reality. The panic attacks were frequent, I was exhausted, convinced I was dying and feeling stupid because of the thoughts. I plucked up the courage to go to the Doctors, preparing myself for some life changing news. I was thinking that because my mum died of a brain tumour, I was next in line. 

I explained everything to the doctor, how I was feeling, my thoughts and the panic that I couldn't control. After doing some tests, he told me that I wasn't suffering from a tumour and that it was actually tension headaches, a very common thing for those suffering with depression/anxiety. He gave me some new medication, Amitriptyline. So off I popped. 

No matter what medication I take, I always Google it to see what I am taking. I found out that Amitriptyline is another anti-depressant, but is used for tension headaches. So then I got a little frantic looking into combinations of anti-depressants and how they affect you etc.. I then started to panic again, am I taking too much medication? What if I have a bad reaction?  Along came another wave of panic attacks. I just can't escape them.

Following looking at medicine combinations, I had now convinced myself that I was going to get Serotonin Sydrome (SS), a condition that develops when combining two medications that produce serotonin, but you produce too much, causing it to become toxic to the brain, which if it is severe, can kill you. Alongside this new medication I also had toothache (wisdom teeth) and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen. So I started to believe that if I take these medications together I would develop SS and that would be the end of me again, just like with the brain tumour.

Every night, as I got into bed, the same thing happened as it did with the brain tumour scenario, panic attack after panic attack, uncontrollable thoughts and a long sleepless night. My body was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I told myself that I can't go on like this, I need to try and get some control back. That brings me to yesterday. I had another Doctors appointment as well as a therapy session. Both my doctor and therapist have brought me back down to earth, just what I needed. I had a good nights sleep last night and feel better already.

I wanted to write this post to let others know that when suffering with anxiety, your body will be going into panic mode more often than not. My therapist told me that when suffering with anxiety you will get more aches and pains, they will stand out more than ever before and that it is perfectly normal to get the feelings of panic, with anything health related. She did also mention that if you are looking for something that's up with you, the chances are you will find something, cling to it and then make it worse in your head. I know I am guilty of that. So if you are feeling concious about anything health related, speak to your Doctor, get some clarification and put your mind at ease as quickly as possible, I waited a few days too long.

 Throughout all the episodes of the past week, I keep questioning my sanity, hence the title of the post. Does That Make Me Crazy? Well, in short the answer is NO! I'm now developing a new anxiety symptom, health anxiety, which I will be working on with my CB Therapist. Even though the past week or so have been very draining, I'm still here, I'm still healthy and have a lot to look forward to. I know there are going to be bumps in the road along the way, I know that I'm not going to feel 100% everyday and I most certainly know that I will control these thoughts eventually. Until then, life is still a panic!!

Help Is At Hand...

Hi Guys! I can't quite believe that I have had over 1000 views on the blog in just over a week, I didn't even expect to get 20 views!! I feel very humbled and want to thank everyone for their kind words, comments and for sharing your stories with me too.

Today in this Depression post, I want to write about the different avenues of help that are out there. When in your time of need, it can be quite confusing about where you need to turn to. Your mind is already clogged with thoughts that have driven you into depression, so the main thing you do is just try to get by, but there is help out there and when you get the the point where you feel you need it, take it and embrace it.

Below I have wrote where I have found help and a quick description of what I have found. What may work for me may not work for you, so try to have an open mind when approaching for help, and if you find that one doesn't work, move onto the next. Whatever way you need help, there will be an option for you, so don't fret if it takes a while to find the right avenue for you, it will take time!!

Online Groups - I wanted to put this first in the post as over the past few weeks I have seen first hand the support that is there for you. By simply typing Depression into social media platforms, you will find an array of groups that cater for your needs. Have a little look around each group before deciding which one to join, look at the posts the page has posted, the opinions others have shared and  how many people are in the group (You may want a small group with a few people in it or a group with thousands of comments, likes and shares, it's your preference.) You will find the people who have liked the group like to share their stories, experiences and inspirations. You can take a lot of comfort from other posts, seeing that you are not alone in what you are going through and even have someone share the exact same story as you. You can either be a background reader, just follow the posts, maybe comment on a few stories or even just sit back and take in all the shared experiences. Or, maybe you want to dive straight in, get your story out there and let people comment their thoughts and feelings back. I found diving straight in has helped me thoroughly, just having a few consoling words whenever I'm down really has helped me though some days. Each to their own is the case here, so if you do choose to look online, take your time and pick the right one for you .

Family/Friends - This one seems very obvious but can often be the one that your rule out. Now, maybe you rule it out due to embarrassment, maybe because you don't want them to know your deep, deep issues or maybe you just prefer other forms of help, whatever your choice, at least let one person close to you know, just for safety purposes. I personally ruled this one out at first, I was too ashamed to tell anyone close to me, I have always been the strong one and I didn't want to show any weakness. I can count the people that know about my depression one of my hands (minus my readers.)  When I first told people about my depression, they met me with a lot of understanding, a lot of compassion and generally a lot of help, which made me feel silly for bottling it up for so long. They are there for me to help me through my everyday battles. I turn to them when I'm feeling low and want to get everything off my chest. All your friends and family want you to be as well as you can be, although it is a long battle to combat, they want to pick you up when you are down, give you a ride to your appointment and give you the courage to take steps to get help. Even if you only tell one person close to you, make sure you do as a problem shared is a problem halved.

 Doctor/GP- This one I feel is very important. Although the two above are good for those general day to day struggles, your Dr or GP are medical professionals and you are suffering a medical illness!! I went almost 4 months before consulting my GP and have regretted not going sooner. Taking that first step through the door and admitting you might be mentally ill is one hell of a battle on its own, but you are never going to get better if you don't seek medical help. Your Dr/GP is there for you whatever your ailment, and will be there to support you in combating your depression. Whether you go for medicine to ward off the blues or just going for some information on the options available to you, they will have dealt with cases like yours almost on a daily basis and will give you the right treatment catered to you. Depending on how severe your case of depression is will depend on the route you take. You will be put in touch will Mental Health Organisations, you will be given numbers for charities/groups that can help when in your darkest hour or you can just deal with your Dr direct. Whatever option they give you, you can be sure that your medical records are fully updated with your depression status, just so that if anything does go wrong (touch wood it doesn't) they know exactly what you are going through.

Mental Health Charities/Groups/Organisations - In my local area, we have a crisis team that you can call whenever you are having an extremely bad day. I was given the number by my GP. I have not yet used the number, but I have found out all the relevant information that I need to know, so that if I do call, I know they can help. So say I was having a very low day where I wanted to commit suicide, although it may not be my first thought, I can call the crisis team and speak to them about what I am feeling, what I am going through and what help I need. They are trained professionals who deal with these calls daily, so they will know what to talk to you about and give you that nudge to help you in the right direction. Also my GP referred me to our local mental health group. With them, I went for two initial appointments to talk about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and my back story. They, as with my GP, gave me all the relevant information to help me get through but what was different is they assessed me throughout my appointments to see what type of professional help I needed, this is how I started my CBT. I will also be following up my CBT with some Anger Management, Grief Counselling and will be meeting with a support worker weekly, so that I'm not alone after my initial therapy is complete. Lastly, but no means least, Charities! Without some charities, medical advances in combating depression wouldn't have moved forward as fast. Depression Charities vary from country to country but, here in the UK, we have many various charities that can aid you in whatever way you need. They have all the tools and resources to help you along the way. They offer support both online and via the telephone, they offer support workers/groups that you can go see and their websites are like online encyclopedias to help you discover your issues in depth. I have found Samaritans to be very helpful, just having that understanding voice at the end of a phone ease your though a dark time is very comforting. Everything you do say is confidential too, so your not going to be passed from pillar to post!!

Other Help - I've touched upon the help that I have used in more detail but there are lots of various corners you can turn to during your battle that I haven't used, that others have recommended me to. So here is a quick list of other sources you can utilise -

Books - Find comfort in reading up on your condition, read victory stories of those 
who have battled depression and learn of techniques to fight off your demons.

Self Help Guides - Many authors have published guides/articles about the positives of self help in battling depression. Maybe rent one from your library or have a gander at an 
online self help article.

Changes to Your Life - I have read a lot online that small changes to the way you live can combat your illness.Taking a more healthy approach
 to your diet, regular exercise and undertaking relaxation training can all help. 

E-Therapies - These can be used if you don't want to speak face to face with anyone. Some say that these online therapies are just as effective as working with a CB Therapist. These online therapies help you to understand how your mind is working and show you steps of
 how to make behavioural changes.


The whole point of this posting was to show you that even at times when you are alone, there is a wide variety of resources and help available to you, no matter how little/severe depression has effected you, how social/shy you are or how badly you need the help. It just takes that one step to admit you need the help before these doors open for you. To anyone who has read this and has not sought help, please do so, you won't regret it! And to those who have sought the help and are moving forward, congrats!! We can do this together.

AR Wilson x

What If.....

So, you know when your having a really low day, your mind is working in overdrive and there are unanswered questions, thoughts and feelings floating round your mind? Well this post is going to be about the questions and thoughts that I have to deal with daily. 

Life is full of those moments of what if this happened? Or what if I had done that? These are the main thoughts that go through my head everyday and the thoughts I struggle with the most. When I self harm, it tends to be for two reasons, the first being if I have been nasty, snappy or hurtful to someone then I feel I need to cause myself pain to counter-act the pain I will have caused them. Secondly, when I have had to deal with a subject that is hurtful to me, that has left unanswered questions or leaves me confused, I battle that with self harm too. It's the wrong thing to do, I know that, but it's my coping mechanism at the moment! I've spoken with my doctor and therapist, who have given me the tools to self harm safely. I will talk more about self harm in a later post. 

The unanswered questions that make me feel so low tend to be questions that can never be answered. One being, what would my life be like if my mum was still here? I know that I can never have an answer to that, but just that simple question leads to others like would I have been a drug addict? Would I have had to move away? Would I still have family I speak to? So it's like a chain reaction, and when I get into that chain I can't pull myself out of it.

I often think over the choices I've made in life and whether they are the right ones. Should I have just said no to taking drugs? Could I have stepped up fully in my last job and not crumbled under the pressure? Ultimately, again, those questions can never be answered. My mind can't stop replaying old scenarios which I feel if I had a better understanding or had a parent figure there to give me a nudge in the right direction then I wouldn't have had to go through what I have been through. Sometimes life is unfair, but it's coping with it being unfair I struggle with. 

When I look back at the end of my school years, I look with jealousy at the people who had 'perfect' family lives, who didn't have to deal with the death of their parent, who didn't have to deal with seeing domestic violence for years and who always had a strong support network around. Don't get me wrong, I had some great support around, but it just wasn't my mum and it makes me both sad and angry that I didn't get the same chance as everyone else to have a good go at this thing we call life. 

I suppose in hindsight I made choices for myself. Everyone has those options. I chose to shove copious amounts of drugs up my nose. I chose to take on the job role that led to my breakdown. But there is always that part of me that wishes I could go back, scribble out parts of the past so that I could have set up a better future for myself. A lot of people say that your experiences make you stronger, but you can only be so strong for so long before you eventually give in, right?

I suppose what I'm trying to get at with this post is some clearance on the situation, clearance I may never get. Is it natural to have these thought processes? And to wish to want to rewrite the past? Sometimes, I wish life had a start over button, so that when something goes bad, you press it and you can start that process again. Some questions are probably better left unanswered, that way you can always dream of things that could happen or when you look back, you can put yourself in situations and answer your own what ifs?

A.R Wilson x

Coping with depression on a daily basis...

So as you know I'll be posting on a Monday and a Friday about depression. Friday, I intend to keep for my own story, how I've got through the week, how I am coping etc.. Monday, however, I would like to keep it quite light hearted, sharing stories/tips, posting quotes and just try to keep it nice, as you don't wanna start your week on a downer. 

This week, after doing some research online, I'd like to do a little run down of 5 things to help lighten the load when you are feeling depressed. More often than not, it is something you don't want to tell people and struggle through on your own, but as the saying goes, 'a problem shared is a problem halved.' So here are my 5 tips on coping with your depression daily - 

1. Share Your Issues/Thoughts/Feelings - Keeping our thoughts/feelings to ourselves will make you feel like you are not a burden on anyone's shoulders, but infact, you are making the load on your own shoulders increasingly heavy to carry. Tell close friends or family members about how you are feeling, share with them how your mind is working, they want to help you through difficult times and not allowing them in won't help you in the long run. If, like me, you are sometimes too embarrassed to tell people who are close to you problems, write to a depression blog, message a Facebook page your thoughts, just let the steam out somehow. Facebook pages are often good as the people who like them are in a similar situation to you or have dealt with the situation. You will receive some nice words of support that can carry you through, even on the darkest days!!

2.  Try Something (Anything) - Just as it says on the tin! Depressive, negative thoughts can consume you every minute of every day when doing nothing. Try pulling yourself away from your mind, even if it is just an hour and do something. I appreciate that sometimes concentration levels are low and you may not feel social, so try something alone. Something simple such as baking a cake, it takes under an hour, keeps your mind busy and there's always room for a tasty cake!! ;) Have a dog? Go for an hours walk somewhere where you can enjoy the outdoors, even if you don't want company, the exercise will do you good and your dog will love it too, simple games of fetch, throwing a ball (even when you have to collect it) or taking your dog for a swim can help clear the mind. If you are feeling more social, how about meeting a friend for lunch, or even cooking for a friend at home? Both of these can be good for various reasons, if you go out, you can get dressed up, spend a couple of hours in a cafe, just idle chatting can really cheer you up. Cooking for someone can too, spending an afternoon preparing food, picking wine, getting dressed and dining with someone (again, having idle conversation) can turn a frown upside down.

3. Release Yourself of Negative People - I chose this one from personal experience, so this may not be the case for everyone. Negative people spur negative thoughts which will only drag you down. Sure, you want to be the friend to helps everyone out, be their shoulder to cry on, even when you have your own issues. Well STOP! Your main focus should be getting your life back on track, not piling on the worries. Take sometime to look over the people you have in your life, keep the positive people, who lift you up in times of sadness, who nip in for that 30 min coffee or who ring you up and say fancy lunch? Get rid of those who are constantly moaning on Facebook, those friends who call you up for a good moan and those who are bitchy/gossipy (chances are, if they are slagging someone off to you, they are slagging you off to someone.) I say this as I have halted all the negative people around me, and feel miles better for it. I'm having time to heal myself, before healing others.

4. Keep A Diary/Journal - I learned this from my CB Therapist. Each day, before bed, write down how you feel the day has gone, any thoughts that are still on your mind, worries, feelings...Anything really. It's about taking what's clouding above and writing it out down below. I also find planning your next day in the form of a list is helpful, it keeps your mind from worrying about what the next day has in store, when you can see it all in front of you. A little added extra on this...When you write down any negative thoughts, worries or things that are making you sad, try scrunching the paper in a ball and throwing it in the bin, rip the paper in half or scribble everything out really fast. I find that this can help just get rid of some stresses before bed.

5. Keep Positive - I know this can be the hardest of them all and with people around you saying "don't worry" "stay strong" it is easier said than done. Just remember that you are not alone in what you are going through, there are hundreds of thousands of people who are in a similar situation to you and there are even more in a worse situation. Write down all the things that make you feel good about yourself, take time to try and do the things you enjoy and surround yourself with the people/things you love. Got an uplifting song? Play it first thing in the morning! Got a favourite cuddly toy? Give it a big squeeze whenever you feel negative! Have a favourite quote? Put it on a post-it note on the fridge, keep it on a notice board in your room or write it down in plain view so that everytime you see it, it gives you that little bit of a boost.

I fully understand that these may not work for everyone, but these things combined help me get through each day knowing that someday I will get better, it may not seem it sometimes and my god are somedays a struggle, but I always have the right things around to pull me through each and everyday so that I'm still here for the next :D

A.R. Wilson x

Let's Start With My Battle With Depression....

So this is the first actual post I'm doing about my story. I wanted to start with Depression as this is the longest and probably the hardest battle I am facing at the moment. 

I think my depression really started around when I was 15 when my mum passed away, the feeling of not belonging, the empty feeling in my stomach each day and the pain it caused me thinking about never getting to see her again, at such a young age was hard to come to terms with. 

I went through a few years before I even contemplated I was depressed, in fact I was only diagnosed with depression February this year! Now a lot of you will be thinking surely you must have known you were depressed?? Well in all honesty I never. I was young, naive and bottled all my feelings up for years, I was always the "strong one" out of my friend group or the "leader" of the household. I had a lot on my shoulders and never took the time to look into how I was feeling and just shrugged it off and carried on.

It got to a point in October last year, after all the drugs I had taken, the change of lifestyle I had, the moving away to get myself right and losing my job that I finally saw the cracks in my character that I had plastered over for so many years. I mean, to go 7 years without much help, and the responsibilities I had, I was bound to crack at some point, and that started then.

I slowly started to think of my life as a whole! Where I was at? What I had done? Why did I get dealt these cards to deal with? Why did everyone else my age have a care free life? It just all started to add up, the bad choices I had made, the struggles I had faced and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks. The only support I have is one friend and my brother, who I love with all my heart and if I had to lose them, then I don't know where I would go or what I would do. 

I went on a downward spiral, started not leaving the house, constantly had horrible thoughts rushing round my head and just gave up on life. I thought to myself I've tried so hard for so long, I just can't do it anymore. Christmas last year was one of the lowest points I have had, everytime an advert came on showing a happy family, everytime I looked over at the tree and saw very little underneath it and everytime I was out and about seeing people happy it made me hate myself and my life even more. I wanted to kill myself. 

Over that period I had many suicidal thoughts, but I couldn't even contemplate leaving my younger brother to fend for himself, what kind of person would that make me? This is when the self harming kicked in. Everytime I felt any pain, I take the razor out and go at my legs like gardener trimming a hedge, cutting till I could cut no more, it was the only way, I felt, to control the suicidal thoughts. 

After a few months I finally plucked up the courage to go see my GP. I explained everything that had gone on, my past, my present and what I viewed to be my future. This was in February. I was given support numbers, medication to help with the anxiety and was being referred to the mental health team. I finally thought that my life would get back on track....

It's now the end of May, I still self harm near enough every week, the pain won't go, I can't face the day most days and barely leave the house due to my anxiety. The medication I feel isn't working at the moment (even though I'm on the highest possible dose.) My mind is still constantly racing with thoughts about how worthless I feel, about how my life doesn't feel complete and that it's just a waste. I currently am undergoing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I have had 4 sessions, where we have just only covered my back story leading up to this point.  The only positive spin I can put on things at the moment is I know I will get better eventually, it's just frustrating having to battle each day when I feel I can't battle anymore. 

This is why I am writing this blog. I want to share my thoughts and feelings throughout my journey here, in the hope that someone out there is feeling the same as I do or has had the same experiences I have had. Here's to hoping....!