Facing Your Fears...

So the weekend is here and yet another week passes me by!! This week has been a better week for me I'm glad to say, minus the headache I had last night, but overall a much better week compared to last! I wanted to post today about facing up to your fears. This includes both your fears with Anxiety and Depression. I faced up to a major fear of mine today and surprised myself, hence the topic!

One of my major fears is the dentist as it is with many other people. Now, just to give you an idea of how scared I am of the dentist, I haven't been in 5 years (maybe more.) I know what you are all thinking, god my teeth must be and absolute mess, but surprisingly they are in quite good condition, minus the reason I had to go today. The thought of the anaesthetic, the prodding around my mouth and the smell of the clinical rooms.. Everything about the dentist petrifies me, to the point I become a quivering mess. 

I have had toothache for the past 5 days or so, which I thought was due to my last wisdom tooth pushing through, unfortunately not. I had a filling the last time I was at the dentist, all those years ago, and the tooth that has the filling has cracked so I had to bite the bullet and book an appointment. After speaking with my therapist about this on Tuesday, she said the longer I wait, the worse it will become. After spending a day worrying about my tooth, the dentist and whether I could get away with not going, I got a friend to book me an emergency appointment. 

As you can imagine, with my anxiety/depression this was a big step, especially with heightened anxiety at the moment, the dentist was the last thing I needed to add on to my ever growing list of woes. So the appointment was booked and for the past 2 days its all I could think about. What was going to happen? Are they going to have to pull all my teeth? What if my wisdom teeth were dodgy and needed sorting? The list of questions were endless. I got an early night last night because I had a migraine (which I think was due to stressing.)

So today came, I got up and just went. I knew it was something I HAD to do, and backing out would only make the problem worse. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely shitting myself. I was sweaty, drip white and had extremely bad dry mouth. When I got there I was shaking, terrified and even told the receptionist how bad I was feeling, she obviously said "You'll be fine!"

When I got into the dentist chair, looking around the room at all the equipment, the bright lights, the needles, the tools, everything was staring right at me. The sweating increased and I told the dentist how scared I was. She put me right at ease, had a little look round my mouth and said okay, were done. WHAT???!!!! She told me that I needed antibiotics before the treatment and that I had a couple of options. I chose the option of just getting the tooth pulled. So I have to go back again in two weeks time, but I have hope in myself now, I prepared myself for the worst today and I actually felt I done okay.

So that brings me to the topic of the post. This whole anxiety/depression thing I've got going on. Yes, my anxiety is terrible, but facing my fear today has given me hope for beating my mental illnesses. I feel that taking this step today proves to me that I can do things when I put my mind to them, and keep the anxiety down low. I know my quite a few of my readers suffer with anxiety, so I want to give you this message. You will beat this!! Fear is all in the mind and its what you make it. Challenge yourself from now on. Scared of going outside?? Take a few steps in your garden. Then slowly push yourself to take a few more outside and keep going!! You are better than your anxiety.

Scared of spiders?? Start by looking at pictures and build up a tolerance. Then take it step by step to eventually letting one stay in the corner of the room. Have health anxiety? Worried about illness? Go to the doctors, put your mind at ease. You will feel better for it. I feel optimistic for everyone who I've spoken to since writing this blog. I know that times will be tough, heck there will even be days when you want to give up completely and let your depression/anxiety take over. That's okay!! Remember though that you are better than anything that pulls you down, your mind is a wonderful thing and just allowing yourself to have a couple of positive days will do you the world of difference. 

I for one from here on in am going to look at things in a different light. As I have said, I have a new found hope that I can beat my mental illnesses. I know today was only a baby step, but it's a step in the right direction none the less. I mean, I haven't been to the dentist in 5 years or so and today, even with all my mental health issues, I done it. I goes to show that there is still hope there. I want to share my positivity with all of you. I'll say it again, YOU CAN BEAT IT!!!

A.R. Wilson x       

Help Is At Hand...

Hi Guys! I can't quite believe that I have had over 1000 views on the blog in just over a week, I didn't even expect to get 20 views!! I feel very humbled and want to thank everyone for their kind words, comments and for sharing your stories with me too.

Today in this Depression post, I want to write about the different avenues of help that are out there. When in your time of need, it can be quite confusing about where you need to turn to. Your mind is already clogged with thoughts that have driven you into depression, so the main thing you do is just try to get by, but there is help out there and when you get the the point where you feel you need it, take it and embrace it.

Below I have wrote where I have found help and a quick description of what I have found. What may work for me may not work for you, so try to have an open mind when approaching for help, and if you find that one doesn't work, move onto the next. Whatever way you need help, there will be an option for you, so don't fret if it takes a while to find the right avenue for you, it will take time!!

Online Groups - I wanted to put this first in the post as over the past few weeks I have seen first hand the support that is there for you. By simply typing Depression into social media platforms, you will find an array of groups that cater for your needs. Have a little look around each group before deciding which one to join, look at the posts the page has posted, the opinions others have shared and  how many people are in the group (You may want a small group with a few people in it or a group with thousands of comments, likes and shares, it's your preference.) You will find the people who have liked the group like to share their stories, experiences and inspirations. You can take a lot of comfort from other posts, seeing that you are not alone in what you are going through and even have someone share the exact same story as you. You can either be a background reader, just follow the posts, maybe comment on a few stories or even just sit back and take in all the shared experiences. Or, maybe you want to dive straight in, get your story out there and let people comment their thoughts and feelings back. I found diving straight in has helped me thoroughly, just having a few consoling words whenever I'm down really has helped me though some days. Each to their own is the case here, so if you do choose to look online, take your time and pick the right one for you .

Family/Friends - This one seems very obvious but can often be the one that your rule out. Now, maybe you rule it out due to embarrassment, maybe because you don't want them to know your deep, deep issues or maybe you just prefer other forms of help, whatever your choice, at least let one person close to you know, just for safety purposes. I personally ruled this one out at first, I was too ashamed to tell anyone close to me, I have always been the strong one and I didn't want to show any weakness. I can count the people that know about my depression one of my hands (minus my readers.)  When I first told people about my depression, they met me with a lot of understanding, a lot of compassion and generally a lot of help, which made me feel silly for bottling it up for so long. They are there for me to help me through my everyday battles. I turn to them when I'm feeling low and want to get everything off my chest. All your friends and family want you to be as well as you can be, although it is a long battle to combat, they want to pick you up when you are down, give you a ride to your appointment and give you the courage to take steps to get help. Even if you only tell one person close to you, make sure you do as a problem shared is a problem halved.

 Doctor/GP- This one I feel is very important. Although the two above are good for those general day to day struggles, your Dr or GP are medical professionals and you are suffering a medical illness!! I went almost 4 months before consulting my GP and have regretted not going sooner. Taking that first step through the door and admitting you might be mentally ill is one hell of a battle on its own, but you are never going to get better if you don't seek medical help. Your Dr/GP is there for you whatever your ailment, and will be there to support you in combating your depression. Whether you go for medicine to ward off the blues or just going for some information on the options available to you, they will have dealt with cases like yours almost on a daily basis and will give you the right treatment catered to you. Depending on how severe your case of depression is will depend on the route you take. You will be put in touch will Mental Health Organisations, you will be given numbers for charities/groups that can help when in your darkest hour or you can just deal with your Dr direct. Whatever option they give you, you can be sure that your medical records are fully updated with your depression status, just so that if anything does go wrong (touch wood it doesn't) they know exactly what you are going through.

Mental Health Charities/Groups/Organisations - In my local area, we have a crisis team that you can call whenever you are having an extremely bad day. I was given the number by my GP. I have not yet used the number, but I have found out all the relevant information that I need to know, so that if I do call, I know they can help. So say I was having a very low day where I wanted to commit suicide, although it may not be my first thought, I can call the crisis team and speak to them about what I am feeling, what I am going through and what help I need. They are trained professionals who deal with these calls daily, so they will know what to talk to you about and give you that nudge to help you in the right direction. Also my GP referred me to our local mental health group. With them, I went for two initial appointments to talk about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and my back story. They, as with my GP, gave me all the relevant information to help me get through but what was different is they assessed me throughout my appointments to see what type of professional help I needed, this is how I started my CBT. I will also be following up my CBT with some Anger Management, Grief Counselling and will be meeting with a support worker weekly, so that I'm not alone after my initial therapy is complete. Lastly, but no means least, Charities! Without some charities, medical advances in combating depression wouldn't have moved forward as fast. Depression Charities vary from country to country but, here in the UK, we have many various charities that can aid you in whatever way you need. They have all the tools and resources to help you along the way. They offer support both online and via the telephone, they offer support workers/groups that you can go see and their websites are like online encyclopedias to help you discover your issues in depth. I have found Samaritans to be very helpful, just having that understanding voice at the end of a phone ease your though a dark time is very comforting. Everything you do say is confidential too, so your not going to be passed from pillar to post!!

Other Help - I've touched upon the help that I have used in more detail but there are lots of various corners you can turn to during your battle that I haven't used, that others have recommended me to. So here is a quick list of other sources you can utilise -

Books - Find comfort in reading up on your condition, read victory stories of those 
who have battled depression and learn of techniques to fight off your demons.

Self Help Guides - Many authors have published guides/articles about the positives of self help in battling depression. Maybe rent one from your library or have a gander at an 
online self help article.

Changes to Your Life - I have read a lot online that small changes to the way you live can combat your illness.Taking a more healthy approach
 to your diet, regular exercise and undertaking relaxation training can all help. 

E-Therapies - These can be used if you don't want to speak face to face with anyone. Some say that these online therapies are just as effective as working with a CB Therapist. These online therapies help you to understand how your mind is working and show you steps of
 how to make behavioural changes.


The whole point of this posting was to show you that even at times when you are alone, there is a wide variety of resources and help available to you, no matter how little/severe depression has effected you, how social/shy you are or how badly you need the help. It just takes that one step to admit you need the help before these doors open for you. To anyone who has read this and has not sought help, please do so, you won't regret it! And to those who have sought the help and are moving forward, congrats!! We can do this together.

AR Wilson x

What If.....

So, you know when your having a really low day, your mind is working in overdrive and there are unanswered questions, thoughts and feelings floating round your mind? Well this post is going to be about the questions and thoughts that I have to deal with daily. 

Life is full of those moments of what if this happened? Or what if I had done that? These are the main thoughts that go through my head everyday and the thoughts I struggle with the most. When I self harm, it tends to be for two reasons, the first being if I have been nasty, snappy or hurtful to someone then I feel I need to cause myself pain to counter-act the pain I will have caused them. Secondly, when I have had to deal with a subject that is hurtful to me, that has left unanswered questions or leaves me confused, I battle that with self harm too. It's the wrong thing to do, I know that, but it's my coping mechanism at the moment! I've spoken with my doctor and therapist, who have given me the tools to self harm safely. I will talk more about self harm in a later post. 

The unanswered questions that make me feel so low tend to be questions that can never be answered. One being, what would my life be like if my mum was still here? I know that I can never have an answer to that, but just that simple question leads to others like would I have been a drug addict? Would I have had to move away? Would I still have family I speak to? So it's like a chain reaction, and when I get into that chain I can't pull myself out of it.

I often think over the choices I've made in life and whether they are the right ones. Should I have just said no to taking drugs? Could I have stepped up fully in my last job and not crumbled under the pressure? Ultimately, again, those questions can never be answered. My mind can't stop replaying old scenarios which I feel if I had a better understanding or had a parent figure there to give me a nudge in the right direction then I wouldn't have had to go through what I have been through. Sometimes life is unfair, but it's coping with it being unfair I struggle with. 

When I look back at the end of my school years, I look with jealousy at the people who had 'perfect' family lives, who didn't have to deal with the death of their parent, who didn't have to deal with seeing domestic violence for years and who always had a strong support network around. Don't get me wrong, I had some great support around, but it just wasn't my mum and it makes me both sad and angry that I didn't get the same chance as everyone else to have a good go at this thing we call life. 

I suppose in hindsight I made choices for myself. Everyone has those options. I chose to shove copious amounts of drugs up my nose. I chose to take on the job role that led to my breakdown. But there is always that part of me that wishes I could go back, scribble out parts of the past so that I could have set up a better future for myself. A lot of people say that your experiences make you stronger, but you can only be so strong for so long before you eventually give in, right?

I suppose what I'm trying to get at with this post is some clearance on the situation, clearance I may never get. Is it natural to have these thought processes? And to wish to want to rewrite the past? Sometimes, I wish life had a start over button, so that when something goes bad, you press it and you can start that process again. Some questions are probably better left unanswered, that way you can always dream of things that could happen or when you look back, you can put yourself in situations and answer your own what ifs?

A.R Wilson x

Coping with depression on a daily basis...

So as you know I'll be posting on a Monday and a Friday about depression. Friday, I intend to keep for my own story, how I've got through the week, how I am coping etc.. Monday, however, I would like to keep it quite light hearted, sharing stories/tips, posting quotes and just try to keep it nice, as you don't wanna start your week on a downer. 

This week, after doing some research online, I'd like to do a little run down of 5 things to help lighten the load when you are feeling depressed. More often than not, it is something you don't want to tell people and struggle through on your own, but as the saying goes, 'a problem shared is a problem halved.' So here are my 5 tips on coping with your depression daily - 

1. Share Your Issues/Thoughts/Feelings - Keeping our thoughts/feelings to ourselves will make you feel like you are not a burden on anyone's shoulders, but infact, you are making the load on your own shoulders increasingly heavy to carry. Tell close friends or family members about how you are feeling, share with them how your mind is working, they want to help you through difficult times and not allowing them in won't help you in the long run. If, like me, you are sometimes too embarrassed to tell people who are close to you problems, write to a depression blog, message a Facebook page your thoughts, just let the steam out somehow. Facebook pages are often good as the people who like them are in a similar situation to you or have dealt with the situation. You will receive some nice words of support that can carry you through, even on the darkest days!!

2.  Try Something (Anything) - Just as it says on the tin! Depressive, negative thoughts can consume you every minute of every day when doing nothing. Try pulling yourself away from your mind, even if it is just an hour and do something. I appreciate that sometimes concentration levels are low and you may not feel social, so try something alone. Something simple such as baking a cake, it takes under an hour, keeps your mind busy and there's always room for a tasty cake!! ;) Have a dog? Go for an hours walk somewhere where you can enjoy the outdoors, even if you don't want company, the exercise will do you good and your dog will love it too, simple games of fetch, throwing a ball (even when you have to collect it) or taking your dog for a swim can help clear the mind. If you are feeling more social, how about meeting a friend for lunch, or even cooking for a friend at home? Both of these can be good for various reasons, if you go out, you can get dressed up, spend a couple of hours in a cafe, just idle chatting can really cheer you up. Cooking for someone can too, spending an afternoon preparing food, picking wine, getting dressed and dining with someone (again, having idle conversation) can turn a frown upside down.

3. Release Yourself of Negative People - I chose this one from personal experience, so this may not be the case for everyone. Negative people spur negative thoughts which will only drag you down. Sure, you want to be the friend to helps everyone out, be their shoulder to cry on, even when you have your own issues. Well STOP! Your main focus should be getting your life back on track, not piling on the worries. Take sometime to look over the people you have in your life, keep the positive people, who lift you up in times of sadness, who nip in for that 30 min coffee or who ring you up and say fancy lunch? Get rid of those who are constantly moaning on Facebook, those friends who call you up for a good moan and those who are bitchy/gossipy (chances are, if they are slagging someone off to you, they are slagging you off to someone.) I say this as I have halted all the negative people around me, and feel miles better for it. I'm having time to heal myself, before healing others.

4. Keep A Diary/Journal - I learned this from my CB Therapist. Each day, before bed, write down how you feel the day has gone, any thoughts that are still on your mind, worries, feelings...Anything really. It's about taking what's clouding above and writing it out down below. I also find planning your next day in the form of a list is helpful, it keeps your mind from worrying about what the next day has in store, when you can see it all in front of you. A little added extra on this...When you write down any negative thoughts, worries or things that are making you sad, try scrunching the paper in a ball and throwing it in the bin, rip the paper in half or scribble everything out really fast. I find that this can help just get rid of some stresses before bed.

5. Keep Positive - I know this can be the hardest of them all and with people around you saying "don't worry" "stay strong" it is easier said than done. Just remember that you are not alone in what you are going through, there are hundreds of thousands of people who are in a similar situation to you and there are even more in a worse situation. Write down all the things that make you feel good about yourself, take time to try and do the things you enjoy and surround yourself with the people/things you love. Got an uplifting song? Play it first thing in the morning! Got a favourite cuddly toy? Give it a big squeeze whenever you feel negative! Have a favourite quote? Put it on a post-it note on the fridge, keep it on a notice board in your room or write it down in plain view so that everytime you see it, it gives you that little bit of a boost.

I fully understand that these may not work for everyone, but these things combined help me get through each day knowing that someday I will get better, it may not seem it sometimes and my god are somedays a struggle, but I always have the right things around to pull me through each and everyday so that I'm still here for the next :D

A.R. Wilson x