Losing My Mum...

I'm going to start the death part of my blog off with the story of how I lost my mum and how it effected me. I'm splitting it in to two parts, this week leading up to my mum passing and my instant reaction, followed by a post next week on how I'm coping years on. This is the part of the blog I'm dreading writing, even though its been 7 years, it still feels very raw and I get emotional talking about this particular subject. I feel though, that this has shaped who I am and is still a big part of my life...So here goes...

I always looked up to my mum, respected her and loved her with all my heart and more. At the age of 15, I started to have the odd vodka with her and my step-dad, spending time with her on a Sunday and getting along fine. I was her port of call when she wanted to go shopping for a new top, dress or accessories. Even though I never got the chance to tell her I was gay, I assume she already knew.

After school one day, I rang my mum at work, as I usually did, and she told me that she didn't feel to good and that she was coming home in the next half an hour. I never thought anything of it, I just thought it was a general illness, nothing to worry about. Half an hour passed. An hour passed. It wasn't until two hours later that my Nan came to the door and asked us to grab some things, we were going to her house. She explained to us in the car that my mum had collapsed at work and was taken to hospital right away. That's when the worry started to creep in...

I remember clear as day, it was half past 7 at night, my step-dad called and he spoke with my Nan, I heard her in the bedroom start to cry. She came through to the living area, sat me and my brother down, told us that my mum had been rushed to theater, and that they had discovered a brain tumor that needed to be removed instantly. They gave my mum a 20% chance of living through the operation.

As you can imagine, I felt like my whole world had fell down on top of me, my heart broke in two and the tears started to roll down my face. I thought I'd never see my mum again. My mum, when we moved from Scotland, had a friend who I've known for as long as I could remember who moved with us in the same area. Straight away I wanted to see her, so my Nan took us.

Whilst there, I broke down fully, cried and cried and cried!! I needed a hug from my mum, not from anyone else, and to tell me that everything was going to be okay! A few hours passed, my step-dad rung again and told us that the operation was a success, that my mum was out of theater but was in a coma.

I got a lift to the hospital, I remember walking in, seeing my mums hair shaved, her laying on a hospital bed, cold, drip white and not herself. She was covered in bandages over her head, linked up to breathing machines and they had given her a tracheotomy, so I could see pipes coming from her throat to help her breathe. This was something that a 15 year old would never want to see, especially not their mum.

I was about to start my GCSE's when all this happened. Even so, I went to the hospital everyday, holding my mums hand, speaking to her, resting my head on her, just general things to make me feel closer to her. We were told that she was making some steady progress, and that things may start looking up.

A week passed, and I remember waking up on the Saturday, I had an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't go to hospital right away. So my brother and step-dad went. I pottered around the house. A few hours later, I rung my Nan to ask for a lift, she said she was already on her way...I knew then that this was it!

We arrived at the hospital, I remember opening up the double doors, and seeing all my mums friends standing there, crying, my step-dad trying to be strong and hold it together. He told me that my mum had an aneurysm and that her brain was being starved of oxygen and that she was going to pass away. I didn't cry, I was shocked, I just wanted my mum.

It never really hit me till the Doctor came into the room, sat the family down and started to explain what was happening, it was then I knew that I was never going to have my mum again, I got up and ran from the room. I held back the tears as I ran through the hospital, heading for the entrance to go get some air. I remember getting there, seeing my mums friends, dropping to my knees and just let out floods upon floods of tears, everyone rushed round to console me. It was harrowing.

After a while, we had to go say our goodbyes, before they turned off the life support machine. I remember sitting on the bed next to my mum, stroking her hand and face, knowing that this was going to be the last time I would ever see her again, that I would never get to tell her how much I loved her, get hugged by her when I was feeling down or low and I would never get to enjoy my life with her in it.

I said goodbye, left, went back in again, left and went back in one last final time, I just couldn't bring myself to let her go. I was distraught, I couldn't comprehend what was happening, it seemed like everything I loved was now gone...

I'm going to stop writing just now, I have tears streaming down my face but I will continue this, probably next week now. As I said, even though years have passed, it is still very raw for me and writing this is hurting me. It is something I need to speak about, so I will continue, just not now!

A.R Wilson x    

My Experiences & Blog Structure...

I want to touch upon why I feel I need to talk about the subjects in this blog, give a brief description on my experiences of the subjects and how my structure will form when posting. 

So your probably wondering what qualifies me to speak about the subjects on the blog and why I have chosen these issues. Now as I have mentioned I am no writer, nor am I a medical professional but I always find it better to share experiences with others in the hope they can share with me so I know I'm not alone or what I am feeling is unnatural, so here is a brief run down of each of the topics and why I am approaching them on this blog -

Depression - Most people at some point will feel low, depressed or have to deal with depression in some way or another. I currently am suffering with severe depression, I feel like life can't go on somedays, I self harm, I cry, I lock myself away and hate having to deal with the struggles of everyday life. This stems from the past issues I've had to deal with, the issues I'm dealing with now and what I think lays ahead for me in the future. I'm currently on medication for my depression, I go to a therapist once a week and will be seeing other councillors in the coming months to help me get over what I'm feeling. I want to include this on here as it is an everyday occurrence for some people and I want them to know they are not alone, that is why I would like to include the sharing stories aspect of this blog. Depression topics will be written and posted about on a Monday and on a Friday.

Anxiety - Anxiety is something that is fairly new to me, obviously everyone feels anxious at some point whether its general everyday worries or severe anxiety for your particular fear. For me, personally, my anxiety is the fear of people, being judged, possibly attacked, ganged up on and rejected. This has stopped my social life in its tracks, I barely leave the house (once or twice a week) as I'm constantly feeling that people are looking at me and judging me, or if I walk past a group of people they will attack me. I feel I need to address this as I'm currently going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help me deal with my anxiety woes. Panic attacks are frequent, lack of sleep every night and thoughts of worry are constantly racing through my mind. Anxiety topics will be written and posted on a Tuesday and on a Friday.

Death - 7 years ago my mum passed away, when I was only 15, about to do my GCSEs. I wanted to include this subject as 7 years on I am still not over what has happened, I feel jealous, angry, hurt, upset a full rollercoaster of emotions everyday. I feel what's happened is unfair to me. Every little thing reminds me of my mum and moving forward is hard without having the support (I do have family, but will touch on that in another post) I know that everyone will lose their parents someday, and I included this on here so I could be frank with my emotions, to let people know about the thoughts that go through your head when dealing with death. I also want people to share their experiences with me, so I know I'm not alone. Death topics will be posted on a Wednesday.

Drugs - From the age of 15/16 I have dabbled with drugs, as mentioned before from Legal Highs to Class A drugs. I was addicted to Mephedrone (M-Cat, Meow Meow) for 3 years of my life. I consumed all my money, I lost friends, was classified as homeless (although not living on the street) and changed my appearance and body. I was taking this drug 5 or 6 nights a week, only eating once or twice a week and not really living a normal life. I have also dabbled in Ketamine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, MDMA, Pills, Weed, GHB on a regular basis. I have been clean from drugs for 2 years (besides weed that's 3 months) and would like to share my experiences of how it has effected me and also get to know your experiences with drugs. Drug topics will be posted on a Thursday.

Gay Culture - Being a gay man myself, I thought I would write about this topic as it is very current and has a lot of press, some good, some bad. I worked on the gay scene for a few years, dated people on the gay scene and practically lived on the gay scene so I know first hand how good, nasty, exciting and bitchy it can be. I'd like to share my experiences of how being gay has changed my life, what I took from the gay scene and how it all has effected me. I also what to talk about topics such as gay marriage, adoption and life, debate the issue as I know many people have conflicting arguements for and against and I'm interested to hear them all. Gay Culture topics will be posted on a Saturday.

I hope this gives you a little more understanding into why I have chosen these particular topics to address. I feel I have a wide range of thoughts, feelings and experiences on each of the issues to really make this blog work and get it to where I would like it to be. 

Tomorrow will be the first day where I am going to start telling my story, starting with Depression and Anxiety. 

A.R. Wilson x

   

Intoduction to the Blog....

Hi All, 

So here goes my first post on this blog!! I have high ambitions of where I want this blog to go, so I do hope that I can fulfill them and possibly help even just one person. 

Firstly, I would just like to start off by saying that the majority of the postings I do to start will be about my background story in these particular topics. I am not a professional writer (so excuse if my punctuation is a little out or there are misspellings here or there), nor am I a medical professional so most of what I write will come from the heart and my mind. I feel very passionately about starting this blog up and I hope to reach out to people who are or have suffered similar experiences to myself in all or even just one of the topics. 

I'm not going to bombard you with all my story at once, when I cover a particular topic I will speak about the background of my experiences and gradually you will start to see the story of what I call my life forming. Having looked online I can see that there are other sites that include help, advice and experiences of the topics I am going to be talking about. I have though seen that not every topic is covered on the same site and you may have to do a bit of searching to find the relation, this is why I am covering all the topics here, in one place, kind of like a hub for people to visit and share their experiences too! I find that most of the issues I'm going to talk about cross over, like depression and drug use or gay culture and anxiety, at least in my experiences anyway. 

So what do I want to get from this blog? Well, on each individual page I have included what I hope to post, get from the page and happen to move the pages forward. I would like the blog to be a hub of information really. A place where people can come to visit if they what to share their experience. A place where you can read of first hand experiences in a particular topic or all of the topics if you have lived as I have. I hope to speak with the professionals associated with each topic and get their views on how they have seen the effects of depression for example. Ultimately, this blog is designed to show that no matter what angle your life is at at the moment there are people who are going through what you are, there are people who have come out the other side strong and that suffering with one or more of these issues is not the end of the world, there will always be a helping hand to life you up or give you that smack on the bum to get you moving. 

I'm going to wrap this first post up now, I don't want to babble on, I will post about briefly about my experiences in my next post and the structure of how the blog will work (the days which I will post what.) I have set up a twitter account which you can follow, this will keep you up to date with the latest news, posts and just general light hearted posts - @ARWilsonFYM

A.R.Wilson x