Medictating My Problems...

Hi All, 

I hope you have all had a good week!! Today is the day I give you a wee update on how I'm doing. Today I want to talk about the medication I am on and how it has effected me throughout the time I've been diagnosed with anxiety. 

Firstly, I want to let you all know that for the first time in months, I have had a reasonably good week. I haven't done much with regards to putting myself in situations where I feel anxious, but my anxiety has been at the lowest level I have felt in ages!! I still am having those daily niggles and woes but I have managed to keep them under control, which I feel is a big step in the right direction, but who knows what next week will throw at me.

As I said above I want to speak about the medication I have been taking to combat the anxiety. This time around I would like anyone who reads this to get in touch and let me know what methods or medication you use to combat your anxiety. So please do get in touch, either by commenting or emailing (my email is on the about me section at the side of the blog)

When I first went to the doctors to speak about what I was feeling, after months of turmoil, I instantly felt a release. It was like taking the top off a bottle of coke that had been shaken and it goes everywhere. I felt every possible feeling in the space of 5 minutes. After speaking with my doctor, I stated that I don't want a happy pill that I take everyday, I want to feel happy in my mind and in myself, and didn't want a pill to do so. So my doctor prescribed me medication solely to combat the anxiety, and also my lack of sleep. Mirtazipine was what they gave me. 

When I first started taking the Mirtazipine, I obviously started on the lower dosage (15mg.) For those of you who haven't had Mirtazipine, here is a description from Web MD -

"Mirtazapine is used to treat major episodes of depression.
It is an antidepressant. It belongs in the class of antidepressants known as noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressants (NaSSA).
It is used to increase the levels of certain chemicals in the brain that are found at low levels if you have depression.
In general this drug is used in the treatment of major depression. This is a mood disorder, a condition in which you may feel low, have low self-esteem, and have lost the ability to enjoy activities you usually enjoy.
Benefits of being on this drug can include improving your mood and lower levels of anxiety"

To start, the drug completely knocked me out. I had to take it before bed to help send me into sleep and found the first few nights I took it I was having 12 hours sleep. I couldn't get out of bed the next few days because of the drowsiness and felt like a walking, talking zombie. It was recommended that the drug would take 2 weeks to kick in and start to work. After the first few weeks of using this med, it had no effect. I was back to very little sleep, still as anxious as ever and taking it felt like a waste of time. 

After a month, I went back to the doctor, she upped me to the next level 30mg. Again, as with the 15mg, the first few days were great, lots of sleep and after a week I felt like I could function. The dwindled again after 2 - 3 weeks of the medication, it wasn't having the desired effect, so another trip to the doctors was on...

Upon my third trip to evaluate the medication, we upped it to the highest dosage you can have in the UK (45mg) I think, from reading online some doctors in the USA have prescribed up to 90mg, but I'm not too sure so correct me if I'm wrong. As with the other two dosages, I had to wait to weeks for the drug to fully kick in.

Each night, I took it before bed, but the sedation effect was no longer there, so I wasn't getting any sleep and I wasn't feeling any better, so I was thinking what a waste of my time it was taking this. After doing some research online, I saw that taking the higher dosages of Mirtazipine no longer aided in sleep and in fact worsened the sleep process, causing me to stay up even longer. To be frank, I wish the doctors would have told me this, I was generally pissed off. We could have looked at other medication etc...

I've now been on the Mirtazapine (45mg) for two months and I still don't feel anything. I've saw online that some people have labelled this drug as the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not too sure. I've had to undertake sleep behaviour management to combat the lack of sleep I'm getting and as for the anxious feelings, they are still prominent. I know I've had a good week this week, however, I still do feel that I can be pulled right back into the reality of my situation at any point.

As I've said above, I want to hear what you do to combat your anxiety? Are you on medication? Have you avoided medication and use your own techniques? Or have you come across something online that has worked wonders? Let me know as I'm sure my readers, and myself, would love to hear!!

A.R Wilson x

They've Got Me Addicted...

This part of the blog I feel will be quite frank, very raw as I'm going to go into a lot of detail about my previous addiction. Those who have been following over the past week will know I'm only 22, so you will be thinking how could you be addicted at that age, simple from the age of 18 - 21 I got off my face nearly everyday for 3 years. I must stress that in no way am I condoning the use of drugs, I just want to highlight my time using.

This is my story...

Getting caught up and working on the gay scene was fun at times, but as mentioned in the first posting in the Gay Culture setting, there is a darker, seedier part to the gay scene, and one of those parts was the drugs. I was a little naive at first, thinking that everyone was just up for a laugh, a good time or just friendly, but once I got sucked into the drug taking, I noticed that more people liked to shove whatever they could up their noses, me included.

I started to take drugs for recreational use around the age of 15/16, having the odd joint or snorting a quick line of coke in the toilets. I remember being at a party when I was 17, taking what I thought was a line of coke which infact, turned out to be ketamine! That's when I started to think drugs were pretty cool. I started pill popping ecstasy when I was out, passing them around friends like candy. It was easy and to be frank, I didn't give a shit!

It was when I fully started working on the scene, I worked 5 nights a week, handing flyers out, promoting on social media and even door whored once, that I got into taking drugs fully. I went to an afterparty one night, I was offered a legal high called mephedrone (meow meow, mcat) it was sold as 'plant fertilizer' it was £10 a bag, and my god the buzz I got off it was like nothing I had ever experienced.

I started to take a bag or two to work with me everytime, just to take the edge off working in the cold, be more chatty with people and obviously, to get that buzz. I mean, £10 a bag for something that would keep you rocking for hours was amazing. After parties became more regular, we would head back, sometimes 4 or 5 of us, sometimes 20+, order a batch and get completely trollied. It would keep me awake for days. It felt like gold dust in a bag and I was the richest man on earth.

Party after party after party went and yet even when the party stopped, I was buying the stuff "just to see me through". I would be sitting playing mario karts during the day, having line after line, just to keep me high as the comedowns were dreadful. I can't even begin to explain how moreish M-cat is, but I remember a time when I had ran out and I was scraping bags, checking the bins and rummaging the couch, just incase I dropped any. When I look back I think how disgusting it was.

My life had been consumed by the drug. I ate once or twice a week, usually on a Wednesday when there was no work and no money left, a jacket potato and beans, every week, just before I went back to sleep after being awake three days. I ate ice pops, sucked hard sweets and lived off chewing gum for the rest of the week. Oh! and also dilute juice, as the dry mouth was pretty bad. So bad, that I hardly brushed my teeth.

I took 1 gram lines for fun. I loved the burn in my nose. The drip at the back of my throat. The rush of going from being normal to completely on a different planet, my head spinning, eyes shaking, sweat pouring. I loved it all. There is, and I've still to find, no better rush that cutting some lines up, sticking a straw up your nose and sniffing till you can't sniff anymore. In that case, you stick it in a fag paper and bomb it.

The drug had gripped me, I wasn't interested in anything else but being able to get my next fix of it. I had ticks off dealers as high as £100, knowing that I'd pay it back and tick some more. My friends were on the drug, my friends friends were on the drug and it seemed like at the time everyone I spoke to or knew was taking it. I just couldn't escape, not that I wanted too.

I went from weighing 15st down to 9.5st in 6 months, I'd always been a little chubby but feeling skinny, having people comment on my weight, I loved it. I was looking gaunt, thin as and bones were protruding out of anywhere they could on my body.

I moved house after being addicted for about 2 years, I moved to a street where 5 of the houses were occupied by my friends, some of them new, who had never taken the drug before. I stopped taking it as regular but none the less, was still taking it far too much. I had sold all my things and my boyfriend had sold all his. We had nothing besides some tattered clothes and some furniture. As people on the street started taking more of the drug, I could see myself becoming hooked again.

I kind of had an epiphany, along with my boyfriend, that if we didn't leave there we would be stuck taking drugs for probably the rest of our lives. The drugs had taken over and the only way to stop was to move away, to a new city and start a fresh. Cut off all ties. So we did. Not without one last party though, eh?

I have now been clean from snortable drugs for 2 years, minus the slip up I had at my bosses house, and clean from weed for 2 - 3 months. I will speak about weed in another post but I wanted to just clarify the Mcat addiction.

I had some of the best times of my life on that drug but, I also had some of the worst. I'll talk about dealing with dealers, scary people and experiences in other posts too!

I am now happy I'm drug free, it just took the willpower to pull myself away from the situation and give myself a stern NO everytime I had a thought of going back there, it's not worth it. I'm back up to 13st now too, so I no longer look like a walking, talking skeleton!

A.R. Wilson x

My Experiences & Blog Structure...

I want to touch upon why I feel I need to talk about the subjects in this blog, give a brief description on my experiences of the subjects and how my structure will form when posting. 

So your probably wondering what qualifies me to speak about the subjects on the blog and why I have chosen these issues. Now as I have mentioned I am no writer, nor am I a medical professional but I always find it better to share experiences with others in the hope they can share with me so I know I'm not alone or what I am feeling is unnatural, so here is a brief run down of each of the topics and why I am approaching them on this blog -

Depression - Most people at some point will feel low, depressed or have to deal with depression in some way or another. I currently am suffering with severe depression, I feel like life can't go on somedays, I self harm, I cry, I lock myself away and hate having to deal with the struggles of everyday life. This stems from the past issues I've had to deal with, the issues I'm dealing with now and what I think lays ahead for me in the future. I'm currently on medication for my depression, I go to a therapist once a week and will be seeing other councillors in the coming months to help me get over what I'm feeling. I want to include this on here as it is an everyday occurrence for some people and I want them to know they are not alone, that is why I would like to include the sharing stories aspect of this blog. Depression topics will be written and posted about on a Monday and on a Friday.

Anxiety - Anxiety is something that is fairly new to me, obviously everyone feels anxious at some point whether its general everyday worries or severe anxiety for your particular fear. For me, personally, my anxiety is the fear of people, being judged, possibly attacked, ganged up on and rejected. This has stopped my social life in its tracks, I barely leave the house (once or twice a week) as I'm constantly feeling that people are looking at me and judging me, or if I walk past a group of people they will attack me. I feel I need to address this as I'm currently going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help me deal with my anxiety woes. Panic attacks are frequent, lack of sleep every night and thoughts of worry are constantly racing through my mind. Anxiety topics will be written and posted on a Tuesday and on a Friday.

Death - 7 years ago my mum passed away, when I was only 15, about to do my GCSEs. I wanted to include this subject as 7 years on I am still not over what has happened, I feel jealous, angry, hurt, upset a full rollercoaster of emotions everyday. I feel what's happened is unfair to me. Every little thing reminds me of my mum and moving forward is hard without having the support (I do have family, but will touch on that in another post) I know that everyone will lose their parents someday, and I included this on here so I could be frank with my emotions, to let people know about the thoughts that go through your head when dealing with death. I also want people to share their experiences with me, so I know I'm not alone. Death topics will be posted on a Wednesday.

Drugs - From the age of 15/16 I have dabbled with drugs, as mentioned before from Legal Highs to Class A drugs. I was addicted to Mephedrone (M-Cat, Meow Meow) for 3 years of my life. I consumed all my money, I lost friends, was classified as homeless (although not living on the street) and changed my appearance and body. I was taking this drug 5 or 6 nights a week, only eating once or twice a week and not really living a normal life. I have also dabbled in Ketamine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, MDMA, Pills, Weed, GHB on a regular basis. I have been clean from drugs for 2 years (besides weed that's 3 months) and would like to share my experiences of how it has effected me and also get to know your experiences with drugs. Drug topics will be posted on a Thursday.

Gay Culture - Being a gay man myself, I thought I would write about this topic as it is very current and has a lot of press, some good, some bad. I worked on the gay scene for a few years, dated people on the gay scene and practically lived on the gay scene so I know first hand how good, nasty, exciting and bitchy it can be. I'd like to share my experiences of how being gay has changed my life, what I took from the gay scene and how it all has effected me. I also what to talk about topics such as gay marriage, adoption and life, debate the issue as I know many people have conflicting arguements for and against and I'm interested to hear them all. Gay Culture topics will be posted on a Saturday.

I hope this gives you a little more understanding into why I have chosen these particular topics to address. I feel I have a wide range of thoughts, feelings and experiences on each of the issues to really make this blog work and get it to where I would like it to be. 

Tomorrow will be the first day where I am going to start telling my story, starting with Depression and Anxiety. 

A.R. Wilson x

   

Intoduction to the Blog....

Hi All, 

So here goes my first post on this blog!! I have high ambitions of where I want this blog to go, so I do hope that I can fulfill them and possibly help even just one person. 

Firstly, I would just like to start off by saying that the majority of the postings I do to start will be about my background story in these particular topics. I am not a professional writer (so excuse if my punctuation is a little out or there are misspellings here or there), nor am I a medical professional so most of what I write will come from the heart and my mind. I feel very passionately about starting this blog up and I hope to reach out to people who are or have suffered similar experiences to myself in all or even just one of the topics. 

I'm not going to bombard you with all my story at once, when I cover a particular topic I will speak about the background of my experiences and gradually you will start to see the story of what I call my life forming. Having looked online I can see that there are other sites that include help, advice and experiences of the topics I am going to be talking about. I have though seen that not every topic is covered on the same site and you may have to do a bit of searching to find the relation, this is why I am covering all the topics here, in one place, kind of like a hub for people to visit and share their experiences too! I find that most of the issues I'm going to talk about cross over, like depression and drug use or gay culture and anxiety, at least in my experiences anyway. 

So what do I want to get from this blog? Well, on each individual page I have included what I hope to post, get from the page and happen to move the pages forward. I would like the blog to be a hub of information really. A place where people can come to visit if they what to share their experience. A place where you can read of first hand experiences in a particular topic or all of the topics if you have lived as I have. I hope to speak with the professionals associated with each topic and get their views on how they have seen the effects of depression for example. Ultimately, this blog is designed to show that no matter what angle your life is at at the moment there are people who are going through what you are, there are people who have come out the other side strong and that suffering with one or more of these issues is not the end of the world, there will always be a helping hand to life you up or give you that smack on the bum to get you moving. 

I'm going to wrap this first post up now, I don't want to babble on, I will post about briefly about my experiences in my next post and the structure of how the blog will work (the days which I will post what.) I have set up a twitter account which you can follow, this will keep you up to date with the latest news, posts and just general light hearted posts - @ARWilsonFYM

A.R.Wilson x